Tag: Comedy

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

FRED is sitting on a sofa, clutching a pillow tightly. He is wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a life jacket.

FRED: (to himself) Okay, let’s see… The door is locked. Check. The windows are locked. Check. The sofa cushions are arranged safely. Check. The coast is clear. Check. Now I just need to remember to breathe.

His house mate, DEAN, opens the front door with a key.

DEAN: (calling out) I’m back.

He walks into the living room and is bewildered by the sight of Fred.

DEAN: Hey, Fred! What’s with all the safety gear?

FRED: Dean, you won’t believe what happened. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe on the coffee table, and it was the scariest moment of my life! So, I’ve decided to protect myself from all possible dangers.

DEAN: Stubbing your toe was the scariest moment of your life?

FRED (defensively) It’s not just that. I’ve realised that life is filled with terrifying things. I mean, have you ever considered the dangers of eating cereal? The spoon could poke your eye!

DEAN: Cereal is harmless. I’ve been eating it for years without any accidents.

FRED: (startled) That’s what I thought until yesterday when I accidentally inhaled a Cheerio, and thought I was a goner!

DEAN: (laughing) Come on, Fred. It’s just a small mishap. You can’t live your life in constant fear. What about going outside? Have you given that any thought?

FRED: (panicking) Outside? Are you kidding me? The sun is out there, Dean! It could give me a sunburn! Not to mention the birds. They could mistake my head for a nest! And just last week, a grand piano fell from a balcony two blocks away! I barely made it across the street!

DEAN: That was a freak accident. It’s not like pianos are raining from the sky all the time.

FRED: How do you know? Have you seen the weather forecast for pianos? I bet they’re on their way!

DEAN: Fred, you’re afraid of everything! Remember that time you wore a raincoat during a heatwave because you were scared of spontaneous rainstorms? Alright, let’s do a little experiment. I’ll go outside and cross the street, and you can see for yourself that nothing will happen.

FRED: You would risk your life for an experiment? That’s what the aliens want! They’re watching me, I just know it. The government, the aliens, the squirrels… they’re all out to get me!

Suddenly, a doorbell rings, making Fred jump out of his seat.

FRED: (terrified) You see! They’re listening to what I’m saying!

DEAN: (jokingly whispering) You’re right. We need to be prepared for anything. Have you checked your cereal boxes for hidden microphones?

The doorbell rings again.

DEAN: (joking) Who could it be? What if it’s a burglar, or worse, a Jehovah’s witness!?

Dean goes to the front door and returns with a package.

DEAN: (excitedly) Hey, Fred! I’ve got a surprise for you!

FRED: (jumping) Surprise? Is it a surprise party? Are there clowns hiding around the corner?

DEAN: (chuckling) No, no, Fred. Relax. It’s just a package I ordered for you. Open it!

Fred approaches the package with caution, as if it might explode. He opens the package, revealing a brand-new adventure backpack.

DEAN: It’s a present for you. Complete with a built-in GPS, survival kit, and a new helmet to protect you from falling coconuts.

FRED: (cautiously) Well, I suppose it could be useful if I encounter any rampaging hermit crabs.

Dean hands Fred the backpack, and he carefully puts it on, adjusting the straps nervously over his life jacket.

FRED: Adventure… excitement… exotic locations… Oh, the horror! What if I go on holiday and encounter a rogue elephant?

DEAN: I don’t think that’s very likely in Skegness.

FRED: You know what, Dean? You’re right! Maybe I’ve been a bit too cautious. Maybe it’s time for me to face my fears head-on, without knee pads and safety jackets. The only thing I have to fear is fear itself, and the occasional irritable squirrel. I will confront right now my fear of heights!

He puts on some nearby goggles, and oven mitts, and gets up on the coffee table.

FRED: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I’m alive! I’m alive! (breathing heavily) You know what, Dean? It was terrifying, but also… amazing! I never knew facing my fears could be so exhilarating. No germ, insect, or harmless balloon animal shall infiltrate my personal space!

Dean gives Fred a balloon dog.

FRED: (screaming) Ahh! A ferocious beast! Help!

Fred falls off the table and manages to heroically sit back down in his chair, securely clutching his favourite pillow.

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

GRIM the Reaper is sitting by himself at a bus stop, twirling his scythe boredly.

CHLOE arrives and sits down on the row of seats.

GRIM: Hello, how’s it going?

CHLOE: Hi. You going to a costume party or something?

GRIM: No, what makes you think that? Oh, you mean my clothes. No, this is what I usually wear.

Chloe doesn’t want to continue the conversation. They sit in silence.

GRIM: Another day, another soul to reap. I swear this job is killing me. (sighs) All I do is collect souls and add them to my list. There’s no variety, no excitement.

CHLOE: (disbelieving) You’re the Grim Reaper, are you?

GRIM: I would rather be the happy reaper, but grim is what I’m called. I want to dress as a clown and make people laugh.

CHLOE: Okay.

GRIM: And I would like to go on some adventures. Is that too much to ask?

CHLOE: I guess not.

GRIM: (sighing) Yeah, well, it would be nice if I could just afford a new cloak or a new scythe. The pay is terrible and the Head Reaper is always on my case about falling behind on my quota. “You need to pick up the pace,” he moans at me. It’s not fair.

CHLOE: Today’s your day off, is it?

GRIM: I never get any time off. It’s always reap, reap, reap. I can’t remember the last time I had a holiday.

CHLOE: Right, so the Grim Reaper gets the Number 57 bus, does he?

GRIM: No, I don’t. Oh, silly me, I forgot to mention, neither did you. You walked in front of it and now you’re dead. Anyway, I can’t sit here talking all day, I’m late for my next appointment. Take the second portal on the right, or was it the first? – I forget. Yes, I definitely wouldn’t take the second portal if I were you! See ya!

He glides away down the street.

GRIM: (to himself) Was it the one on my right or on their right? I never can remember.

EXT. ON THE BEACH OF A DESERT ISLAND – DAY

FINN: I can’t believe we’re stranded here, Mr Crabby. We need to get off this island!

Mr Crabby clicks his claws.

FINN: I know, I’ll write a message in a bottle! (reading while writing) “I’m stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Please help!”

The bottle is tossed into the ocean.

FINN: That oughta do it. Now we just have to wait for someone to rescue us. (frustrated) Ugh, I’m so bored. You know, I’ve been here for weeks, and no one has come to save me.

The crab clicks his claws.

FINN: Oh, you’re so right, Mr Crabby. I’m not alone. I have you, my dear friend.

Mr Crabby makes his distinctive clicking sound again.

FINN: What do you mean? You’re not tired of me yet, are you? Hang on a sec, that’s a bottle coming back on a wave. Someone has responded already.

He fishes it out of the water and removes the cork.

FINN: (reading) “We found your message. Can you please be more specific?” (to his friend) What do they mean? I told them I was stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific. What more do they need?

Mr Crabby clicks his claws, as if suggesting something.

FINN: They want more location details, huh? (reading while writing) “The island is small, sandy, and surrounded by water. You can’t miss it!”

Mr Crabby interjects with a click.

FINN: Yes, okay, Mr Crabby. “And by the way, there’s a crab with me who likes to click his claws while giving good advice.”

Mr Crabby clicks his claws again.

FINN: Even more details than that? Crikey! “The sand is yellow, and the water is blue. I haven’t had a shower in weeks, my clothes are torn, and I’m starting to talk to a crab.”

The bottle is corked and thrown back into the ocean.

FINN: There! That should do it. What do you think, Mr Crabby? Will we finally be rescued?

The crab remains silent.

FINN: Fine, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Hang on, what’s that! It’s another bottle. They really are quick, aren’t they!

The bottle is retrieved and uncorked.

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we still can’t find you. Any more information?”

FINN: What could they possibly want to know now? Do you have any ideas? (the crab clicks) Oh, I know! (reading and writing) “I like long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain.” (aside) This is getting ridiculous. (writing) “I’m the only person on the island, wearing a red shirt and blue shorts.” How could they miss me, Mr Crabby?

Finn puts the cork in the bottle and tosses it back into the ocean.

FINN: (to the crab) You’re not going to judge me, right? (the crab clicks its claws) Okay, I didn’t tell them that you’re my only friend. Or how you like to listen to me talk about all my problems. Hang on… another bottle!

FINN: (reading) “We received your message. Can you tell us more about the crab?”

FINN: I can’t believe this! Do you know what this means? (the crab clicks his claws) Yes, that’s right, we need to take a selfie! I’ll use my phone.

There is a phone click and a photo taken.

FINN: And now I’ll use my portable printer…

A printer in the sand prints their selfie.

FINN: …and put the photo of us into the bottle.

The bottle is tossed back into the ocean, again.

FINN: I wonder how long I’ll have to wait… oh, hang on, there’s a bottle now!

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we can’t help you at this time. Good luck! P.S. Have you tried using your phone to call for help?”

FINN: Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of that before? Mr Crabby, why didn’t you say something? You’re fired! (the crab clicks its claws) Just kidding, buddy, you’re my best pal.

Finn makes a call.

OPERATOR: Hello, this is Pacific Island Rescue Services.

Mr Crabby continues to click his claws, unfazed by anything.

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH – DAY

NARRATOR: On an African savannah, a LION is lounging under a tree when a GAZELLE walks past.

GAZELLE: La la la, just a normal day on the savannah.

LION: (to himself) Wow, she’s beautiful. The way her spots glisten in the sun, the way her ears perk up when she hears something. I think I’m in love.

LION: Um, hi there. I couldn’t help but notice you walking by. I’m a lion.

GAZELLE: A lion? Oh no!

LION: I just have to say, it was love at first sight when I saw you.

GAZELLE: What? Love at first sight? But… you’re a lion, and I’m a gazelle.

LION: Ah, details, details. Love knows no boundaries. How about dinner this evening? We could run around the savannah together and maybe catch a sunset.

GAZELLE: Hmm, I guess that does sound kind of romantic.

NARRATOR: And so that evening the lion and the gazelle ran around and dodged stampedes together.

Later, at sunset, the lion sits alone under his tree.

LION: (burps) Ah, that was a great date. We were meant to be together.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Two friends, JAKE and GEORGE, are watching TV.

JAKE: (eating cake) Hey, George, I don’t mean to be rude, but have you put on some weight?

GEORGE: (surprised) Uh, what? That is kind of rude, Jake.

JAKE: Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just noticed you look a bit heavier than you used to be.

GEORGE: (mildly irritated) Yeah, thanks for noticing, Jake.

JAKE: It’s all part of getting older, I suppose. I don’t mean to be rude, but have you thought about going on a diet?

Jake has a bulging mouth full of cake and some of it on his chin.

GEORGE: (exasperated) Jake, you’re literally being rude. And for your information, I’m already working on it, not that it matters.

JAKE: (innocently) Oh, sorry again. I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just thought you didn’t have a clue.

GEORGE: (sarcastically) What’s next? You gonna tell me you don’t like my hair or something?

JAKE: Hey, I don’t mean to be rude, but your hair looks terrible and you need a haircut by someone who knows what they are doing. (Jake is balding)

GEORGE: Will you stop saying, “I don’t mean to be rude”, and then mean to be rude anyway. It doesn’t make sense.

JAKE: (figuring it out) Okay, I do mean to be rude, you’re an idiot.

GEORGE: I do mean to get cross…

JAKE: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean anything by it. BUT…

George glares in exasperation while Jake thinks what he wants to But about next.

INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – DAY

A robot PATIENT, clearly made of metal, is sitting on the examination table. The DOCTOR is standing next to it, looking puzzled.

DOCTOR: And how have you been feeling lately?

PATIENT: (in an obvious robot voice) I have been functioning within normal parameters, thank you for asking, doctor.

The doctor checks the patient’s pulse with a stethoscope.

DOCTOR: Hmm, that’s odd. I can’t seem to detect a heartbeat.

PATIENT: (beep) Is something wrong, doctor?

DOCTOR: (puzzled) Well, it seems your body is made of metal and wires instead of flesh and blood. (checks again)

PATIENT: (in denial) What? Of course not! I’m just a regular human being, like everyone else. (beep)

The doctor opens a control panel on the patient’s head. Wires fall out. The doctor pokes about inside.

DOCTOR: (puzzled) It seems that your body has circuit boards instead of organs and tissues.

The doctor ponders deeply.

DOCTOR: I believe I might have some bad news for you, Mr Beepo-3000.

PATIENT: What is it, doctor?

DOCTOR: I will need to run some further tests, but I think there might be a possibility that you are a robot.

There is silence as Mr Beepo-3000 takes in the weight of the news.

PATIENT: (in disbelief) A robot? That’s ridiculous! I’m clearly human. (beep)

DOCTOR: (trying to be gentle) I understand this may be difficult to accept, but the evidence is clear.

The patient starts beeping loudly.

DOCTOR: It’s not all bad news, Mr Beepo-3000. You could get some upgrades, like wheels for legs? Or wings for arms?

The patient is intrigued.

PATIENT: I’ve always wanted wheels for legs.

DOCTOR: Well, there you go, you see.

PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. (beep)

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A MANAGER is talking to gathered employees.

MANAGER: We need to think outside the box. It’s time to raise the bar to the next level and leverage our synergies and core competencies to achieve our objectives. We need to take ownership of our goals because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So let’s make sure we’re all on the same page and hit the ground running to go the extra mile this quarter.

Smoke starts coming out of the manager’s head. The employees look like they’ve seen it all before, apart from ELLA, who is a new starter.

MANAGER: Let’s optimise our potential and maximise our impact. We need to be proactive, not reactive. So let’s give it 110%.

ELLA: There’s smoke! Smoke’s coming out of your head.

MANAGER: Yes, but I am not a robot. I am a highly motivated management professional. We need to stay focused on our key performance indicators and exceed our targets.

The smoke is more severe.

MANAGER: Must motivate… Must motivate… Success is a journey…

The manager freezes; then after a pause returns back to life, more robotically.

MANAGER: Beep boop beep. Error. Malfunction detected. Robo-Manager will be sent back to the factory for repairs.

The manager walks out of the room like a robot. Everyone looks relieved that they can now do some work.