Tag: script snippets

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

Grim the Reaper is sitting at a bus stop twirling his scythe boredly. Chloe sits down on the row of seats.

GRIM: Hello, how’s it going?

CHLOE: Hi. You going to a costume party or something?

GRIM: No, what makes you think that? Oh, you mean my clothes. No, this is what I usually wear.

Chloe doesn’t want to continue the conversation. They sit in silence.

GRIM: Another day, another soul to reap. I swear this job is killing me. (sighs) All I do is collect souls and add them to my list. There’s no variety, no excitement.

CHLOE: (disbelieving) You’re the Grim Reaper, are you?

GRIM: I would rather be the happy reaper, but grim is what I’m called. I want to dress as a clown and make people laugh.

CHLOE: Okay.

GRIM: And I would like to go on some adventures. Is that too much to ask?

CHLOE: I guess not.

GRIM: (sighing) Yeah, well, it would be nice if I could just afford a new cloak or a new scythe. The pay is terrible and the Head Reaper is always on my case about falling behind on my quota. “You need to pick up the pace,” he moans at me. It’s not fair.

CHLOE: Today’s your day off, is it?

GRIM: I never get any time off. It’s always reap, reap, reap. I can’t remember the last time I had a holiday.

CHLOE: Right, so the Grim Reaper gets the Number 57 bus, does he?

GRIM: No, I don’t. Oh, silly me, I forgot to mention, neither did you. You walked in front of it and now you are dead. Anyway, I can’t sit here talking all day, I’m late for my next appointment. Take the second portal on the right, or was it the first? – I forget. Yes, I definitely wouldn’t take the second portal if I were you! See ya!

He glides away down the street.

FINN: I can’t believe we’re stranded here, Mr. Crabby. We need to get off this island!

Mr. Crabby clicks his claws.

FINN: I know, I’ll write a message in a bottle! (reading while writing) “I’m stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Please help!”

The bottle is tossed into the ocean.

FINN: That oughta do it. Now we just have to wait for someone to rescue us. (frustrated) Ugh, I’m so bored. You know, I’ve been here for weeks and no one has come to save me.

The crab clicks his claws.

FINN: Oh, you’re so right, Mr. Crabby. I’m not alone. I have you, my dear friend.

Mr. Crabby makes his distinctive clicking sound again.

FINN: What do you mean? You’re not tired of me yet, are you? Hang on a sec, that’s a bottle coming back on a wave. Someone has responded already.

He fishes it out of the water and removes the cork.

FINN: (reading) “We found your message. Can you please be more specific?” What do they mean? I told them I was stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific. What more do they need?

Mr. Crabby clicks his claws, as if suggesting something.

FINN: They want more location details, huh? (reading while writing) “The island is small, sandy, and surrounded by water. You can’t miss it!”

Mr. Crabby interjects with a click.

FINN: Yes, okay, Mr. Crabby. “And by the way, there’s a crab with me who likes to click his claws while giving good advice.”

Mr. Crabby clicks his claws again.

FINN: Even more details than that? Crikey! “The sand is yellow, and the water is blue. I haven’t had a shower in weeks, my clothes are torn, and I’m starting to talk to a crab.”

The bottle is corked and thrown back into the ocean.

FINN: There! That should do it. What do you think, Mr. Crabby? Will we finally be rescued?

The crab remains silent.

FINN: Fine, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Hang on, what’s that! It’s another bottle. They really are quick, aren’t they!

The bottle is retrieved and uncorked.

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we still can’t find you. Any more information?”

FINN: What could they possibly want to know now? Do you have any ideas? (the crab clicks) Oh, I know! (reading and writing) “I like long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain.” (aside) This is getting ridiculous. (writing) “I’m the only person on the island, wearing a red shirt and blue shorts.” How could they miss me, Mr. Crabby?

Finn puts the cork in the bottle and tosses it back into the ocean.

FINN: (to the crab) You’re not going to judge me, right? (the crab clicks its claws) Okay. I didn’t tell them that you are my only friend. Or how you like to listen to me talk about my problems. Hang on… another bottle!

FINN: (reading) “We received your message. Can you tell us more about the crab?”

FINN: I can’t believe this! Do you know what this means? (the crab clicks his claws) Yes, that’s right, we need to take a selfie! I’ll use my phone.

There is a phone click and a photo taken.

FINN: And now I’ll use my portable printer…

A printer prints their selfie.

FINN: …and put the photo of us into the bottle.

The bottle is tossed back into the ocean, again.

FINN: I wonder how long I’ll have to wait… oh, hang on, there’s a bottle now!

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we cannot help you at this time. Good luck! P.S. Have you tried using your phone to call for help?”

FINN: Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of that before? Mr. Crabby, why didn’t you say something? You’re fired! (the crab clicks its claws) Just kidding, buddy, you’re my best pal.

Finn dials and makes a call.

OPERATOR: “Hello, this is Pacific Island Rescue Service.”

Mr. Crabby continues to click his claws, unfazed by anything.

NARRATOR: On an African savannah, a lion is lounging under a tree when a gazelle walks past.

GAZELLE: La la la, just a normal day on the savanna.

LION: (to himself) Wow, she’s beautiful. The way her spots glisten in the sun, the way her ears perk up when she hears something. I think I’m in love.

LION: Um, hi there. I couldn’t help but notice you walking by. I’m a lion.

GAZELLE: A lion? Oh no!

LION: I just have to say, it was love at first sight when I saw you.

GAZELLE: What? Love at first sight? But… you’re a lion, and I’m a gazelle.

LION: Ah, details, details. Love knows no boundaries. How about dinner this evening? We could run around the savannah together, and maybe catch a sunset.

GAZELLE: Hmm, I guess that does sound kind of romantic.

NARRATOR: And so that evening the lion and the gazelle ran around and dodged stampedes together.

LION: (burps) Ah, that was a great date. We were meant to be together.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Two friends, Jake and George, are watching TV.

Jake: (eating cake) Hey, George, I don’t mean to be rude, but have you put on some weight?

George: (surprised) Uh, what? That is kind of rude, Jake.

Jake: Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just noticed you look a bit heavier than you used to be.

George: (mildly irritated) Yeah, thanks for noticing, Jake.

Jake: It’s all part of getting older, I suppose. I don’t mean to be rude, but have you thought about going on a diet?

Jake has a bulging mouth full of cake and the remnants on his chin.

George: (exasperated) Jake, you’re literally being rude. And for your information, I’m already working on it, not that it matters.

Jake: (innocently) Oh, sorry again. I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just thought I’d offer some helpful advice.

George: (sarcastically) What’s next? You gonna tell me you don’t like my hair or something?

Jake: Hey, I don’t mean to be rude but your hair looks terrible and you need a haircut by someone who knows what they are doing. (Jake is balding)

George: Will you stop saying, “I don’t mean to be rude” but then mean to do it anyway. It doesn’t make sense.

Jake: (figuring it out) Okay, I do mean to be rude, you’re an idiot.

George: I do mean to get cross …

Jake: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean anything by it. BUT…

George rolls his eyes in exasperation while Jake thinks what he wants to But about next.

INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – DAY

A robot, clearly made of metal, is sitting on the examination table, and the doctor is standing next to him, looking puzzled.

DOCTOR: And how have you been feeling lately?

PATIENT: (in an obvious robot voice) I have been functioning within normal parameters, thank you for asking, doctor.

The doctor checks the patient’s pulse with a stethoscope. 

DOCTOR: Hmm, that’s odd. I can’t seem to detect a heartbeat.

PATIENT: (beep) Is something wrong, doctor?

DOCTOR: (puzzled) Well, it seems your body is made of metals and wires instead of flesh and blood. (checks again)

PATIENT: (in denial) What? Of course not! I’m just a regular human being, like everyone else. (beep)

The doctor opens a control panel on the patient’s head. Wires fall outs. The doctor pokes about inside.

DOCTOR: (puzzled) It seems your body has circuit boards instead of organs and tissues.

The doctor ponders thoughtfully.

DOCTOR: I believe I might have some bad news for you, Mr. Beepo-3000.

PATIENT: What is it, doctor?

DOCTOR: I will need to run some further tests, but I think there might be a possibility that you are a robot.

There is silence as Mr. Beepo-3000 takes in the weight of the news.

PATIENT: (in disbelief) A robot? That’s ridiculous! I’m clearly human. (beep)

DOCTOR: (trying to be gentle) I understand this may be difficult to accept, but the evidence is clear.

The patient starts beeping loudly.

DOCTOR: It’s not all bad news, Mr. Beepo-3000. You could get some upgrades, like wheels for legs? Or wings for arms?

The patient is intrigued.

PATIENT: I’ve always wanted wheels for legs.

DOCTOR: Well, there you go, you see.

PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. (beep)

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A manager is talking to gathered employees.

MANAGER: We need to think outside the box. It’s time to raise the bar to the next level and leverage our synergies and core competencies to achieve our objectives. We need to take ownership of our goals because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So let’s make sure we’re all on the same page and hit the ground running to go the extra mile this quarter.

Smoke starts coming out of the manager’s head. The employees look like they’ve seen it all before, apart from the new starter. 

MANAGER: Let’s optimize our potential and maximize our impact. We need to be proactive, not reactive. So let’s give it 110%.

NEW STARTER: There’s smoke! Smoke’s coming out of your head.

MANAGER: Yes, but I am not a robot. I am a highly motivated management professional. We need to stay focused on our key performance indicators and exceed our targets.

The smoke is more severe.

MANAGER: Must motivate… must motivate… success is a journey…

The manager freezes; then after a pause returns back to life, more robotically.

MANAGER: Beep boop beep. Error. Malfunction detected. Robo-Manager will be sent back to the factory for repairs.

The manager walks out of the room like a robot. Everyone looks relieved that they can do some work.

INT. RECEPTION – DAY

A customer walks into the reception of the Complaints Service Company.

RECEPTIONIST: Welcome to the Complaints Service Company, for people who love to complain. How may I assist you?

CUSTOMER: I would like to complain about something.

RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir. What seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER: Everything! My job, my family, my annoying neighbours, the weather, my car, my home, my health, my food, my hobbies, the unfairness of the world, politics, and my cat!

RECEPTIONIST: I see. Well, we offer a range of complaining services, from the basic package to our premium service. Which would you prefer?

CUSTOMER: I want the premium service. I want to complain about everything without any interruptions or limitations.

RECEPTIONIST: Excellent choice, sir.

CUSTOMER: Do you not offer an ultra-premium service?

RECEPTIONIST: I’m afraid not.

CUSTOMER: That’s just not good enough.

RECEPTIONIST: It’s the second door on the left. We hope you enjoy your stay.

CUSTOMER: Second door on the left! Why not the first?!

The receptionist shows the customer to the second door on the left, who is busy complaining.

RECEPTIONIST: This way please sir.

CUSTOMER: This way! Why not that way?

The customer walks through the door.

CUSTOMER: This is not acceptable.

The receptionist closes the door behind the customer and looks relieved.

INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM – DAY

Brian is sitting at a table. Kelsey walks in and Brian stands up to greet her.

KELSEY: Brian, it’s great to finally meet you in person, after all those online meetings.

BRIAN: It’s great to meet you too. (he farts loudly)

KELSEY: How are you doing today?

BRIAN: I’m doing fine, thank you. (he farts)

KELSEY: I’m really looking forward to crunching the numbers on the big data project.

BRIAN: Yes, me too. (farts)

They both sit down at the table.

KELSEY: I know you’ve been working really hard on the projections for the next fiscal year.

BRIAN: (farts) Yes.

KELSEY: Sorry, but…

BRIAN: What?

KELSEY: Can you please stop making noises?

BRIAN: What noises? Oh, you mean my squeaky chair. Yes, it does that. (farts)

KELSEY: That’s not a squeaky chair.

BRIAN: Yes it is. (farts)

KELSEY: Brian, this room has a certain fragrance all of its own.

BRIAN: That would be the air conditioner. (farts)

KELSEY: Okay, tell me about the numbers, will you?

BRIAN: Well, I’ve got good news… (farts) and bad news. (silence)

KELSEY: Wait a minute, say that again.

BRIAN: I’ve got good news… (farts) and bad news. (silence)

She realises.

KELSEY: You break wind every time you lie, don’t you.

BRIAN (mortified) No, no, no! That’s not true at all! (a very loud fart) Okay, okay, it’s true. I prefer online meetings because I can cancel out the noises.

KELSEY: I see. No, this is much better because now I know when you’re lying out of you bum.

BRIAN: Ugh, I hate this curse. I’ll try to be more honest. (he farts)

INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM

A patient is lying on the operating table, looking nervous. The surgeon enters the room.

SURGEON: (putting on surgical gloves) Good morning, Mr. Buckley! How are you feeling today?

PATIENT: (nervously) Oh, hi, doctor. I’m so nervous. This is my first operation. By the way…

The patient is interrupted by the surgeon.

SURGEON: (smiling) Don’t worry, Mr. Buckley. It’s my first operation too.

PATIENT: (suddenly alarmed) Wait, what? You’re kidding, right?

SURGEON: (chuckles) Of course I am! I’ve performed hundreds of operations. Just not on people.

PATIENT: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness. (realises) What?

SURGEON: (chuckles) Oh, just a joke to put you at ease. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the basics. I’ve watched plenty of videos on YouTube.

The patient looks worried.

SURGEON: (looks around the room) You know, Mr. Buckley, this is a pretty nice operating room. I’ve never been in this one before.

PATIENT: (confused) Really? You work here, don’t you?

SURGEON: (laughing) Yes, I do. But I usually work in the basement. It’s not as fancy down there. And they rarely let me out.

The surgeon picks up a scalpel, as if he doesn’t know what to do with it.

PATIENT: (starting to panic again) Wait, why are you making jokes? Shouldn’t you be focused on the operation?

SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley. I’ve got this. I’m like a superhero with a scalpel. Nothing can stop me.

The surgeon swishes the scalpel through the air like a sabre.

PATIENT: (looks sceptical) I’m not so sure that’s very reassuring.

SURGEON: Hey, relax, Mr. Buckley. It’s not that big a deal. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s just like taking apart a car engine, right?

The anaesthetist and nurse enter the room and brusquely prepare the patient, while the surgeon plays with his surgical instruments.

NURSE: (to the surgeon) Everything’s ready.

SURGEON: Thank you. Now, let’s get started. Pass me that wrench.

PATIENT: (in horror) Wrench!?

SURGEON: No wrench? (laughing nervously) Oh, right. Sorry about that. I guess I’m a bit nervous too.

The surgeon picks up a saw, and wobbles it about as if he can’t control his shaking.

SURGEON: The thing is Mr. Buckley that if this doesn’t go well and I can’t put your bits and pieces back together again, they won’t let me out of the dark basement ever again. I CAN’T GO BACK THERE! Do you understand, Mr. Buckley?

The patient is shocked and nods.

PATIENT: By the way… my name isn’t Mr. Buckley.

SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley.

The lights go off then come on again, with a red tint.

PATIENT: What? What happened?

SURGEON: Just a little power failure, Mr. Buckley, we get that now and again. Everything is usually fine.

The nurse hands the surgeon a large scalpel, the wrong way up. The surgeon is pleased when he works out which way up it should be and readies to make an incision.

PATIENT: Wait! Aren’t I supposed to be anaesthetised?

SURGEON: (asking the anaesthetist) Is that right?

ANAESTHETIST: Er, I think so. But I haven’t seen that YouTube video yet.

The surgeon takes out a big drill.

PATIENT: (panicking) Aaaahhh! Get me out of here!

SURGEON: Mr. Buckley, they say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m sure everything will be fine.

The surgeon, anaesthetist, and nurse are too busy laughing maniacally as the patient runs away.

INT. TV NEWS STUDIO – EVENING

A news anchor (Alex) and an interviewee (Trent Twibble) are sitting at a desk in front of studio cameras. A laptop on the desk in front of the interviewee shows a screen with a big smiley face.

ALEX: Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s segment on party politics. With us tonight we have Trent Twibble, Senior Chief Global Product Officer from Giant Generic Tech.

TRENT: Hello, Alex. It’s great to be here.

ALEX: Now, we all know that politicians are known for delivering rehearsed party lines. Please tell us about your proposed solution.

There is no answer and an awkward silence.

ALEX: Trent Twibble?

TRENT: Hold on a sec. It’s thinking.

ALEX: So is this what you want to show us? (referring to the laptop)

TRENT: Yes, exactly, this is the future of politics, our latest innovation: a chatbot designed to deliver prepared lines from prompts, just like a politician. Say hello to your voters, Politics Bot.

POLITICS BOT: Hello, humans. I am here to deliver my pre-programmed lines.

ALEX: Ah, hello Politics Bot.

POLITICS BOT: I hope I can count on your support?

ALEX: Hey, not so fast, I need to ask you some questions first. (to Trent) So, you’re saying that instead of having politicians speak on behalf of their parties, we could just have these chatbots do it for them?

TRENT: That’s right. Our chatbots are programmed to have all the usual answers to political questions – and can work 24/7 without getting tired! If you ever have a need to hear political lines repeated to you on a loop, simply prompt the political chatbot and get your lines delivered immediately, faultlessly, and without grammatical error.

POLITICS BOT: In real terms, taking into account inflation, it’s all the other lot’s fault.

TRENT: They can even tailor their responses to the individual they’re speaking with, so that they can optimise being all things to all people.

ALEX: Really?

POLITICS BOT: That’s right, Alex. May I say, that’s such a great question. Interviewing must be such a difficult job. Interviewing is the backbone of the country and should be at the heart of everything we do.

The screen turns into a big thumbs up. Alex looks pleased.

TRENT: You see, Politics Bot is customised to say exactly what it thinks you want to hear. Our chatbots also come with a range of pre-recorded emotions, so that they can convey their messages with the right level of passion and enthusiasm. We have everything from “annoyed” to “aggrieved”, and, by far the most popular setting, “I am outraged.” Imagine a world where every political debate is between chatbots, each one repeating their respective party’s policies and biases. No more boring speeches, no more awkward pauses, no more gaffes or scandals.

POLITICS BOT: You other stupid people should be ashamed. How dare you? Crawl back under the rock where you belong.

ALEX: I have to say, Politics Bot, you’re sounding like a pretty authentic candidate. But can you do reality TV? Can you dance badly on TV to entertain us?

POLITICS BOT: Well, I may not have legs, but I can still bust a move!

A wacky dancing gif appears on the screen. The audience laughs.

ALEX: Wow, that’s amazing. Maybe it is time to retire legacy politicians and upgrade to good old Politics Bot here. The difference with politicians is that Politics Bot actually has some intelligence.

TRENT: We’ll see you at the polls… or should we say, the programming studio? (a fake laugh) Hahaha.

ALEX: Trent Twibble from Giant Generic Tech, thank you.

POLITICS BOT: No, thank you.

Alex turns to the camera.

ALEX: Well, there you have it, folks. The future of politics may be chatbots. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll see a chatbot run for president. And you know what? It would probably win. Maybe it is time to ditch the human politicians and elect a computer program instead!

POLITICS BOT: I couldn’t agree more, Alex, because why settle for a flawed human when you can have a perfect machine? So it with true humility that I accept the nomination… Death to the humans.

Trent laughs nervously.

TRENT: Hahaha, just a little joke.

Alex and Trent look awkward.

POLITICS BOT: You will be annihilated.

Alex and Trent laugh nervously. Politics Bot has a big smiley face.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE – DAY

A patient is sitting with his psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: So, Mr. Smith, how have you been feeling lately?

PATIENT: I’m doing great! The voices in my head tell me so.

PSYCHIATRIST: Voices?

PATIENT: Yeah, you know, the ones that tell me I’m not crazy.

PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I think we need to explore this a bit further.

PATIENT: Oh, there’s nothing to explore, doc. The voices are my best friends.

PSYCHIATRIST: Are they telling you to do anything dangerous?

PATIENT: No, no, no. They just give me good advice.

PSYCHIATRIST: Such as?

PATIENT: Well, Kevin spoke for all the others when he told me that, if I don’t like a person, I should simply tell that person about the voices in my head.

PSYCHIATRIST: And did you?

PATIENT: Yes, I did, doctor.

PSYCHIATRIST: Erm, Mr. Smith, I think it’s time we try a different approach. Maybe some medication can help you.

PATIENT: (speaking differently) Oh, no, no, no. I don’t need any pills. The voices take good care of me.

PSYCHIATRIST: Your voice has changed. Am I talking to Kevin now?

PATIENT: Who’s Kevin?

PSYCHIATRIST: Kevin. The voice in your head.

PATIENT: Voice in my head? How ridiculous. I think you must be mad. Goodbye.

The patient gets up and starts to leave.

PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you leave like this. I insist that you take the medication prescribed to you.

PATIENT: What?! You can’t do that! The voices won’t like it.

PSYCHIATRIST: Ah! You see, the voices!

PATIENT: (speaking differently) Voices? Are you okay?

PSYCHIATRIST: Mr. Smith, I’m doing this for your own good. You need help.

The patient opens the door to leave.

PSYCHIATRIST: Stop! What about the voices? Who will take care of them? What will Kevin say, if you leave now! Please, don’t leave!

PATIENT: You’re not very well, are you. Would you like to lie down?

PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, erm, I’m not sure what came over me.

The psychiatrist takes a lie down on the couch.

PATIENT: Don’t worry, doc. There are plenty of voices in your head to keep themselves company.

The patient starts to write notes on a notepad, nodding sagely.

PATIENT: Can you tell me about their childhoods?

PSYCHIATRIST: I can tell you about the dreams they had last night, if you like?

PATIENT: Yes, please do. But I just to need to let you know that I charge for each personality. How many do you have?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually there’s only one. He’s called Lesley. But he lies, and does funny voices.

PATIENT: I see. Can you tell me more about Lesley, please?

PSYCHIATRIST: He’s a… a psychiatrist. That’s it. A psychiatrist.

PATIENT: Like you. I see.

PSYCHIATRIST: Lesley has 3 voices: Kevin, Jason, and Jessica.

PATIENT: Kevin, eh? Can you tell me about Kevin?

PSYCHIATRIST: Kevin has 4 voices: Dave, Bert, Gertrude, and Jezebel.

PATIENT: Hmmm. Can you tell me about Dave?

PSYCHIATRIST: Dave has 5 voices…

PATIENT: Yes, yes, alright. I get the picture. So how does this all make you feel?

PSYCHIATRIST: Well, it can be pretty noisy when Kevin invites all his voices to come in and talk, so I ask my psychiatrist…

PATIENT: Lesley?

PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, Lesley. He psychoanalyses me.

PATIENT: I see.

There is a knock at the door.

PSYCHIATRIST: Come in.

Another patient walks in, carrying two tennis rackets.

PATIENT: Ah Kevin, please take a seat. Don’t mind me, I’m just leaving.

KEVIN: Thanks Lesley.

The patient leaves through the door, past a very long queue of different looking people standing outside, who are all waiting to enter the psychiatrist’s office.

INT. BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Tom is sleeping peacefully. Suddenly, his phone rings and he jolts awake. He sleepily answers a video call from his personal trainer, Jayden.

JAYDEN: Get up! Time to get up! You can fit in an extra 5 minutes of fear and worry. Get to it, NOW!

Tom jumps out of bed and paces around the room.

JAYDEN: What if you mess up that presentation? What if you forget your lines? What if you spill coffee on your shirt? Come on!

TOM: (muttering to himself, trying to remember) What if I mess up the presentation? What if I forget my lines? What if I spill coffee on my shirt?

JAYDEN: Again! Louder!

Tom is more franctically walking back and forth.

TOM: What if I mess up the presentation? What if I forget my lines? What if I spill coffee on my shirt?

JAYDEN: Alright, time to really ramp up the anxiety. Give me some scrolling up and down emails. Pump through the to-do list.

Tom scrolls and taps on his phone while frantically walking back and forth.

JAYDEN: Gotta remember to call that client, gotta finish that report, gotta remember to eat your lunch.

Tom accidently trips and falls over his own feet.

JAYDEN: Good job! Time is up. Go to work.

Tom walks off, with a limp.

INT. A BREAK-OUT AREA IN AN OFFICE – DAY

A man, Liam, sits in a chair, looking frustrated and holding a phone. His colleague, Henry, enters.

HENRY: Hi Liam.

LIAM: Oh, hi Henry, you wouldn’t believe what just happened to me. I asked this guy a question, and his response was “that’s a great question.” But he never explained why it was such a great question!

HENRY: Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s like they’re trying to make you feel good, but then just leave you hanging.

LIAM: Exactly! I need to know why it was such a great question. What makes a question “great”? Is there a secret grading system I don’t know about?

HENRY: That’s a great question. Well, I’ve been doing some research on the subject, and I think I’ve figured it out.

LIAM: Really? Tell me everything.

HENRY: (under his breath) 4 out of 10. (full voice again) Okay, so here’s how it works.

Henry furiously scribbles on a whiteboard.

HENRY: Now listen. A question can be rated on a scale of one to ten, based on its originality, complexity, and relevance. So, for example, if you ask a question that’s never been asked before, you score in the 99th percentile and are awarded 10 out of 10 for originality. The dream is to score 10 out of 10 in all factors and achieve the acclaim and adulation of asking the greatest question that can possibly be asked.

LIAM: (in awe) Wow! I would love to – one day, if I work very hard – be able to devise the greatest question that can possibly be asked. Is anything awarded for effort?

HENRY: A satisfactory question. Yes. If you really try your best, you get a pat on the head, and just a little bit of a condescending smile.

Henry pats Liam on the head and condescendingly smiles.

HENRY: Well done.

LIAM: Thanks.

HENRY: The strength of the head pat is determined by how hard you tried to find the question before venturing to ask it. If you put in an awful lot of work, you get a ten out of ten for effort and a vigorous head pat.

Henry pats Liam on the head vigorously.

LIAM: Oh, thanks! (excitedly) So if I ask a question that’s never been asked before, is complex, relevant, AND I put in a lot of effort, I’ll achieve maybe the greatest question of all time?

HENRY: A good question. That’s right.

LIAM: (looking at his phone) Wait a minute, I just got a new message. It says… (reading) “That’s a FANTASTIC question. 10 out of 10. Thanks for all the effort. You couldn’t have tried harder. Perfect.” (excitedly) I did it! I asked the perfect question!

HENRY: Congratulations! You’ve officially asked maybe the greatest question of all time.

Henry pats Liam on the head vigorously.

LIAM: I can’t wait to tell everyone. But first, I need to ask you one more thing.

HENRY: Sure, go ahead.

LIAM: Why can’t all questions be “great”?

HENRY: Hmm, well, that’s a fairly poor question. But I’ll give a six out of ten for effort.

LIAM: Oh, sorry. I must try harder.

HENRY: Yes, you must. And it will give me more time to think of something I can say to make me look ever so well-informed and clever.

LIAM: So, anyway, what are you up to this evening?

HENRY: (looks disgusted) Liam, that’s only worth a 1 out of 10. You should be ashamed of yourself.

LIAM: (ashamed) Sorry.

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON – DAY

A French tourist, Pierre, approaches a Londoner, Bob, and starts speaking to him in French.

PIERRE: (in a French accent) Excusez-moi, monsieur. Pourriez-vous me dire où se trouve le Grand-Ben, s’il vous plaît?

BOB: (polite confusion) I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I don’t speak French.

PIERRE: (frustrated and louder) Pourriez-vous me dire où se trouve le Grand-Ben, s’il vous plaît?

BOB: (more confused) Sorry, what?

PIERRE: (angry) Mon Dieu! OÙ… EST… LE… GRAND… BEN?

Bob looks at Pierre blankly.

PIERRE: BIG BEN! WHERE IS BIG BEN?

Bob points to Big Ben immediately behind Pierre, who is incensed and does not look.

PIERRE: (disgusted) Now, repeat after me, “Bonjour, comment ça va?”

BOB: (nervously, in an English accent) Umm, bond your, comma say yer?

PIERRE: No, no, no! You have to put some effort into it. Try again. Repeat: “Bonjour, comment ça va?”

BOB: (trying harder) Bonjour, comment ça va?

PIERRE: (sighing) Better, but still not quite right.

BOB: (smiling) Merci!

PIERRE: (disgusted, tutting) Merci? Is that all you can say in French?

BOB: (nervously) Umm, oui?

PIERRE: (shaking his head) How disappointing. (muttering in French) Les Anglais ne comprennent rien.

Pierre wanders off in the opposite direction to Big Ben, while gesticulating his disappointment. Bob watches him go, and looks confused.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Carl, Jen, Danny, and Lynn are sitting at a table, all staring at their phones. They start a group video call, with just themselves in it.

CARL: (excitedly) Hey everyone, my boss slid into my DMs and invited me to a business conference in Hawaii!

JEN: (sincerely) Oh wow! You could stare at your phone on a beach in Hawaii.

DANNY: Wait, I have a better idea. Instead of that, let’s all go on a road trip to the Grand Canyon, and spend the whole time looking at our phones!

LYNN: (sceptical) And what’s the point of that? I can do that here.

DANNY: The point is, Lynn, to be one with nature, to reconnect with the world, and to get a good instagram story.

LYNN: That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

JEN: Well, I for one, think it’s a great idea. I’ll take some amazing selfies of me with the Grand Canyon in the background and show my subscribers how brilliant and successful my life is.

LYNN: (rolling her eyes) I don’t think the Grand Canyon cares much for your selfies, Jen.

JEN: What do you mean? I can build its brand.

DANNY: Think about it, we could livestream the entire trip and share our experiences with our followers.

JEN: We would get more backdrops for our selfies … AND we can tweet about how unfair it is that we’re missing out on so much by looking at our phones the whole time.

CARL: Hey, it’s not missing out, we’re spending more time with our phones. They need us.

LYNN: (after some brief thinking) Okay!!

Lynn holds up her phone for a group selfie.

INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

Two co-workers, Janet and Lucy, are having lunch.

JANET: (smiling) Hey Lucy, how are you today?

LUCY: (smiling back) I’m fine.

JANET: (sceptical) Just fine?

LUCY: (quickly) Yeah, fine.

JANET: Are you sure?

LUCY: (defensively) Yes, I’m fine. Really.

JANET: Really, really sure?

LUCY: (starting to get cross) Yes. I’m fine.

JANET: (smiling) Okay, if you say so.

LUCY: And how are you?

JANET: (tuts in disgust) You really want to know?

LUCY: Eh, okay.

JANET: Shut up! Shut up, okay! You would not even begin to comprehend what it is like to be me! My life is filled with one suffering after another. I’m tortured by the past; miserable in the present; and anxious about the future. I look into the meaningless void of my existence and only emptiness and grief looks back. But I don’t want to say one more word about any of this to YOU, so I DEMAND, yes DEMAND, you change the subject, NOW! If you ever, ever ask me this question again, I will give you the exact same response – and all the utter contempt your stupid question demands … Oh, sorry. I meant “I’m fine”.

LUCY: Yeah, it’s easier just to say, “I’m fine”.

They continue eating as normal.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

A man (Jack) is sitting on the sofa, swiping away on his phone.

His girlfriend (Amelia) enters the room, looking stressed.

AMELIA: Jack, my phone is broken.

Jack is absorbed in his phone and not really listening.

JACK: Oh no, that’s rough.

AMELIA: And I need to talk to you.

Jack is surprised, but is still looking at his phone.

JACK: Talk? Talk to me?

AMELIA: Yeah, you know, like face-to-face. Without screens or filters.

JACK: (realising) Oh, you mean like back in ancient times?

AMELIA: Yeah, I guess so.

JACK: (stunned) Whoa, this is going to get weird.

Amelia sits next to him on the sofa.

AMELIA: Tell me about it.

Jack scratches his head and looks awkward.

JACK: Well, I don’t know where to start…

AMELIA: (sighs) Well, you know, I just need to vent. Work has been so hectic lately, and…

Jack is looking confused. He holds his phone up in front of her and swipes at the screen.

AMELIA: Jack, Jack, put the phone down, will you?

JACK: Sorry, this is just so freaky without emojis. I can’t even customize you with unicorn ears and stars whizzing around your head; I don’t know how cave people used to cope. Okay, anyway, I’ll give it a go… Vent away.

AMELIA: Well, my phone was broken when I dropped it during my slick dance moves on top of the office printer in accounts.

JACK: (interrupting) Wait, wait, wait. Can’t you just send me a vlog, or a screenshot of your notes, or something?

AMELIA: Oh yeah, sorry babe, the content will drop. I just need your phone to film your response on TikTok.

Jack springs up, and, without music, immediately does an enthusiastic (but ridiculous) TikTok dance. Amelia films it on Jack’s phone and taps lots of emojis, including a zany dancing man emoji. Jack completes his moves and does a hand gesture pose to sign off.

INT. PUB – DAY

Sara and Chris are sitting at a table, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes, nuzzling, and chatting. They are clearly a romantic couple.

Mike walks in. Sara is overjoyed and gets up and runs to him; she throws her arms around him and kisses him. They both return to the table, arm-in-arm and smiling joyously.

MIKE: (excited) Hi Chris, we have some very exciting news!

CHRIS: (nervously) What is it?

SARA: (beaming) We’re dating!

MIKE: Yes, at least 3 times a day!

SARA: Chris? What is it? You never agree with my choices do you. After all, he is your best friend! You bastard.

MIKE: Yeah Chris, you bastard, how could you just sit there and not congratulate us. We’ve been best friends for years.

CHRIS: Erm, sorry?

SARA: (to Chris) Okay, fine, well I’m dating your brother at 5, so please hurry up and buy us the best champagne to celebrate.

INT. CONFERENCE VENUE – DAY

A motivational speaker is addressing a large crowd from a stage.

SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, never give up on your dreams! Some people give up all on their dreams when they wake up and get out of bed. I say, dream BIG! Go back to bed and get some sleep.

A man in the front row of the audience, who is nodding off, suddenly starts snoring loudly.

The speaker walks over to the man with his microphone.

SPEAKER: Excuse me, sir, please tell us, what is your dream?

MAN: (waking up, rubbing his eyes) Er? Oh, sorry. I must have dozed off.

The audience laughs.

SPEAKER: Hahaha! Don’t apologize, it happens to the best of us! What is the dream, sir?

Another audience member shouts out excitedly:

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Never give up on your dreams!

SPEAKER: Exactly! Sir, please tell us all, what is your dream?

MAN: Well, it’s silly really…

SPEAKER: Yes?

MAN: I suppose I want to be a professional napper.

SPEAKER: Oh! A round of applause ladies and gentlemen, please!

The audience applauds.

SPEAKER: A professional napper, he says! I say, why not? The world needs more people who take their dreams seriously. You know what I say? Do you? I say go for it. Go for it… right now!

AUDIENCE: Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

The audience is standing up and getting very excited, whooping, cheering, and clapping. The speaker is running around the stage, ecstatic.

SPEAKER: You can do it. DO IT!

The man tries but doesn’t feel much like it now.