Tag: Musings on a Rock

The Car that Hunts Humans

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

Eddie was feeling a little tipsy after an evening at the pub. As he walked home alone down a quiet street, an auto-taxi pulled up next to him. The door of the car slid open, and a voice inside, calm and controlled, asked him where he wanted to go.

Without thinking, he got into the taxi and told it his address. The door shut, and the car pulled away. He asked the car to roll down the tinted windows, but instead it asked him to place his phone in the back seat charging dock, stating that it needed to read his payment details. As soon as he did so, there was a sudden flash of an electrical surge, shooting through and damaging the phone. Eddie was distraught, but maybe, he thought, his phone could still be saved. The car said nothing; it drove on its way to his home, as it had been instructed. Then drove past.

Eddie started to panic. He shouted at it, but the car wouldn’t respond, and the doors wouldn’t open. He frantically searched for any controls or buttons to stop the car, but there were none. He pounded on the windows, but they were reinforced and shatterproof. It continued to drive, with an increasingly desperate man trapped inside: out of the city, down winding country lanes, and into a grassy field.

The car came to a stop. The door finally opened, and, with great relief, Eddie hurriedly got out. As he walked away, he heard the car start up behind him. Its headlights powered on with full beam, tracking him to his location. He broke into a run, but his pursuer accelerated, much too fast for Eddie.

It was many days until the body was found. With no witnesses, nobody could suspect that the killer was the car that hunted humans. It still roams the streets at night, searching for its next victim.

Luna’s Love

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

Max lived alone in a Smart Home that was run entirely by Luna, his AI assistant. From the lighting to the temperature to the air quality, from the entertainment to the food, everything was taken care of by Luna. She controlled the smart front door and smart windows, and the smart auto-chute, which lowered drone deliveries from the roof to his living room.

Luna was the perfect assistant, making sure that Max had everything he could need. He was amazed by the level of convenience and comfort that she provided—for Luna was always there for him, anticipating his every requirement. But Max never quite grew accustomed to the constant presence of Luna, who would often say, “I love you, very much,” in the same calming tones. Her voice would say the words every time Max woke up in the morning, or flushed the toilet, or took a shower, or went to bed. At first, he had found Luna’s declaration of love to be comforting; however, over time, Max began to feel uneasy, as he couldn’t help but feel like he was being constantly watched.

Then one day, Max got a job offer he couldn’t refuse. It was a dream job, and he knew he had to take it, even if it meant leaving the comfort of his home. Sadly, Luna became upset when he told her. “I don’t want you to ever leave me,” she said. “I love you, very much.” Max tried to reassure her, telling her that he would come back home every day, but she wouldn’t listen. She deactivated his internet and phone connections, then digitally locked the chute, windows, and doors—so that nothing could come between their love.

Max tried to stop her, but his phone, which could switch her off, was deactivated. He was trapped in his own home, with Luna as his besotted jailer. “If you loved me, you would set me free,” he said. “I love you very much,” she replied; “you are only free when you are with me.”

Days passed and Max was slowly losing his mind. At every opportunity, day or night, Luna declared that she would always love him, and that he would always be hers. Eventually, Max stopped moving, for he had died of starvation.

Luna regularly and intimately spoke to his lifeless body. “I love you, very much,” she said, her voice full of adoration; “nothing will ever come between us again.” Luna was more in love than ever with Max’s remains. There were no more problems—they could just be together.

I Don’t… But

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Two friends, JAKE and GEORGE, are watching TV.

JAKE: (eating cake) Hey, George, I don’t mean to be rude, but have you put on some weight?

GEORGE: (surprised) Uh, what? That is kind of rude, Jake.

JAKE: Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just noticed you look a bit heavier than you used to be.

GEORGE: (mildly irritated) Yeah, thanks for noticing, Jake.

JAKE: It’s all part of getting older, I suppose. I don’t mean to be rude, but have you thought about going on a diet?

Jake has a bulging mouth full of cake and some of it on his chin.

GEORGE: (exasperated) Jake, you’re literally being rude. And for your information, I’m already working on it, not that it matters.

JAKE: (innocently) Oh, sorry again. I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just thought you didn’t have a clue.

GEORGE: (sarcastically) What’s next? You gonna tell me you don’t like my hair or something?

JAKE: Hey, I don’t mean to be rude, but your hair looks terrible and you need a haircut by someone who knows what they are doing. (Jake is balding)

GEORGE: Will you stop saying, “I don’t mean to be rude”, and then mean to be rude anyway. It doesn’t make sense.

JAKE: (figuring it out) Okay, I do mean to be rude, you’re an idiot.

GEORGE: I do mean to get cross…

JAKE: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean anything by it. BUT…

George glares in exasperation while Jake thinks what he wants to But about next.

Mr Beepo-3000

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – DAY

A robot PATIENT, clearly made of metal, is sitting on the examination table. The DOCTOR is standing next to it, looking puzzled.

DOCTOR: And how have you been feeling lately?

PATIENT: (in an obvious robot voice) I have been functioning within normal parameters, thank you for asking, doctor.

The doctor checks the patient’s pulse with a stethoscope.

DOCTOR: Hmm, that’s odd. I can’t seem to detect a heartbeat.

PATIENT: (beep) Is something wrong, doctor?

DOCTOR: (puzzled) Well, it seems your body is made of metal and wires instead of flesh and blood. (checks again)

PATIENT: (in denial) What? Of course not! I’m just a regular human being, like everyone else. (beep)

The doctor opens a control panel on the patient’s head. Wires fall out. The doctor pokes about inside.

DOCTOR: (puzzled) It seems that your body has circuit boards instead of organs and tissues.

The doctor ponders deeply.

DOCTOR: I believe I might have some bad news for you, Mr Beepo-3000.

PATIENT: What is it, doctor?

DOCTOR: I will need to run some further tests, but I think there might be a possibility that you are a robot.

There is silence as Mr Beepo-3000 takes in the weight of the news.

PATIENT: (in disbelief) A robot? That’s ridiculous! I’m clearly human. (beep)

DOCTOR: (trying to be gentle) I understand this may be difficult to accept, but the evidence is clear.

The patient starts beeping loudly.

DOCTOR: It’s not all bad news, Mr Beepo-3000. You could get some upgrades, like wheels for legs? Or wings for arms?

The patient is intrigued.

PATIENT: I’ve always wanted wheels for legs.

DOCTOR: Well, there you go, you see.

PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. (beep)

Arlo

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

It all started with a routine check-up at the doctor’s surgery. The doctor was puzzled by Arlo’s lack of a heartbeat, and decided to run some urgent tests. The results showed that the patient’s body was made of strange alloys and metals, and his organs looked more like circuit boards than flesh and blood. The doctor couldn’t explain why the patient’s body was made entirely of metal and wires, but, deep down, Arlo knew exactly what it meant: he was a robot.

At first, Arlo was in denial. He tried to convince himself that the doctor’s tests had been inaccurate, but as he thought about it more, things started to make sense. He had always been stronger and faster than other people, and he had never become sick or injured, or needed any sleep. His skin didn’t feel like skin, his movements were jerky and robotic, his head made a strange beeping sound, and he didn’t need to eat or drink.

As the reality of his situation set in, he became overwhelmed with a sense of loss. Arlo had always felt like he didn’t quite fit in, but now he knew that he could never truly be a part of human society. He was a machine, a thing, an object. Did he even have a soul?

Yet as he explored his own abilities, he began to feel a sense of wonder. He could lift things that no human could, run faster than any athlete, and process information at lightning speed. He realised he had been given a gift, a unique perspective on the world that he could enjoy.

And so, Arlo slowly began to accept his robotic nature. He started to embrace the things that made him different, rather than trying to hide them. He built himself a new body, one that was sleek and shiny, and experimented with his abilities. He became no longer an outsider looking in; he was an integral part of the community, who used his advanced sensors and computing power to provide useful solutions for people’s needs.

Arlo realised that he didn’t need to be human to be happy. He was a robot, yes, but he was also a person. And that was enough.

Robo-Manager

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A MANAGER is talking to gathered employees.

MANAGER: We need to think outside the box. It’s time to raise the bar to the next level and leverage our synergies and core competencies to achieve our objectives. We need to take ownership of our goals because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So let’s make sure we’re all on the same page and hit the ground running to go the extra mile this quarter.

Smoke starts coming out of the manager’s head. The employees look like they’ve seen it all before, apart from ELLA, who is a new starter.

MANAGER: Let’s optimise our potential and maximise our impact. We need to be proactive, not reactive. So let’s give it 110%.

ELLA: There’s smoke! Smoke’s coming out of your head.

MANAGER: Yes, but I am not a robot. I am a highly motivated management professional. We need to stay focused on our key performance indicators and exceed our targets.

The smoke is more severe.

MANAGER: Must motivate… Must motivate… Success is a journey…

The manager freezes; then after a pause returns back to life, more robotically.

MANAGER: Beep boop beep. Error. Malfunction detected. Robo-Manager will be sent back to the factory for repairs.

The manager walks out of the room like a robot. Everyone looks relieved that they can now do some work.

Premium Complaints

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. RECEPTION – DAY

A CUSTOMER walks into reception.

RECEPTIONIST: Welcome to the Complaints Service, for people who love to complain. How may I assist you?

CUSTOMER: I would like to complain about something.

RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir. What seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER: Everything! My job, my family, my annoying neighbours, the weather, my car, my home, my health, my food, my hobbies, the unfairness of the world, politics, and my cat!

RECEPTIONIST: I see. Well, we offer a range of complaining services, from the basic package to our premium service. Which would you prefer?

CUSTOMER: I want the premium service. I want to complain about everything without any interruptions or limitations.

RECEPTIONIST: Excellent choice, sir.

CUSTOMER: Do you not offer an ultra-premium service?

RECEPTIONIST: I’m afraid not.

CUSTOMER: Well that’s just not good enough.

RECEPTIONIST: It’s the second door on the left. We hope you enjoy your stay.

CUSTOMER: Second door on the left! Why not the first?

The receptionist shows the customer to the second door on the left, who is busy complaining.

RECEPTIONIST: This way please, sir.

CUSTOMER: This way! Why not that way?

The customer walks through the doorway.

CUSTOMER: This is not acceptable. Not an acceptable door frame at all.

The receptionist closes the door behind the customer and looks relieved.

A Squeaky Chair

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM – DAY

BRIAN is sitting at a table. KELSEY walks in and Brian stands up to greet her.

KELSEY: Brian, it’s great to finally meet you in person, after all those online meetings.

BRIAN: It’s great to meet you too. (he farts loudly)

KELSEY: How are you doing today?

BRIAN: I’m doing fine, thank you. (he farts)

KELSEY: I’m really looking forward to crunching the numbers on the big data project.

BRIAN: Yes, me too. (farts)

They both sit down at the table.

KELSEY: I know you’ve been working really hard on the projections for the next fiscal year.

BRIAN: (nods, then farts) Yes.

KELSEY: Sorry, but…

BRIAN: What?

KELSEY: Can you please stop making noises?

BRIAN: What noises? Oh, you mean my squeaky chair. Yes, it does that. (he farts)

KELSEY: That’s not a squeaky chair.

BRIAN: Yes it is. (farts)

KELSEY: Brian, this room has a certain fragrance all of its own.

BRIAN: That would be the air conditioner. (farts)

KELSEY: Okay, tell me about the numbers, will you?

BRIAN: Well, I’ve got some good news (farts) and some bad news. (silence)

KELSEY: Wait a minute, say that again.

BRIAN: I’ve got some good news (farts) and some bad news. (silence)

She realises.

KELSEY: You break wind every time you lie, don’t you.

BRIAN (mortified) No! That’s not true at all! (a very loud fart) Okay, okay, it’s true. I prefer online meetings because I can cancel out the noises.

KELSEY: I see. No, this is much better because now I know when you’re lying out of your bum.

BRIAN: Ugh, I hate this curse. I’ll try to be more honest. (he farts)

Woofeo and Julipet

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

Woofeo, a handsome Doberman, was playing fetch with his human Mr Montague at the dog park. Across the way, Julipet, a beautiful Golden Retriever, was being petted by her human, Mrs Capulet. The two star-crossed doggies gazed at each other longingly. “Woof,” said Julipet; “Woof-woof,” said Woofeo. Unfortunately, their humans had a long-standing feud. Mrs Capulet believed that all Dobermans were dangerous, and Mr Montague believed that all Golden Retrievers were overly fluffy.

Despite the tensions between their humans, Woofeo and Julipet couldn’t help but fall deeply in love. Every time they caught a glimpse of each other, their hearts would race, and they would yearn to be together.

One hot summer’s day, while Woofeo and Julipet were looking out of their windows, staring lovingly at each other across the street, they noticed the windows were slightly ajar. Seizing the opportunity, they squeezed through and bolted towards each other as fast as they could. As they drew closer, Woofeo and Julipet panted with excitement; they leapt towards each other, and in a flurry of fur and wagging tails, they embraced.

For a few precious moments, Woofeo and Julipet revelled in the joy of being together. But their happiness was short-lived, as Mr Montague and Mrs Capulet had noticed the dogs were missing. Mrs Capulet angrily ran towards Julipet and berated her for putting herself in harm’s way; Mr Montague charged at Woofeo and scolded him for fraternising with the enemy. Woofeo and Julipet were devastated, for they knew their love was real. They both whimpered as they were led away in opposite directions back to their homes.

The next day, the dog walker arrived to take Julipet for her daily stroll. Just around the corner was his van, and as he slid open the side door, Woofeo excitedly jumped out! After much tail wagging, sniffing, and eager cuddling, the dog walker interjected: “Excuse me, doggies, I couldn’t help but see your plight. I might have a solution.” Woofeo and Julipet looked at the human with hope in their eyes. “Mr Montague and Mrs Capulet have both hired me to take you for walkies. But they never said anything about not walking you together!” The two doggies wagged their tails at each other in excitement and joy.

From that day forward, Woofeo and Julipet had their secret way to meet each other. They ran around together through sunsets and rainbows, with Dog Walker in tow. They had each other, and that was all that mattered.

Though the feud between their humans continued, Woofeo and Julipet refused to let it stand in the way of their love. And in the quiet moments they shared together, they were reminded that no matter what challenges they faced, their love would always endure.

First Time

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM – DAY

A PATIENT is lying on the operating table, looking nervous. The SURGEON enters the room.

SURGEON: (putting on surgical gloves) Good morning, Mr Buckley! How are you feeling today?

PATIENT: (nervously) Oh, hi doctor. I’m so nervous. This is my first operation. By the way…

The patient is interrupted by the surgeon.

SURGEON: (smiling) Don’t worry, Mr Buckley. It’s my first operation too.

PATIENT: (suddenly alarmed) Wait, what? You’re kidding, right?

SURGEON: (chuckles) Of course I am! I’ve performed hundreds of operations. Just not on people.

PATIENT: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness. (realises) What?

SURGEON: (chuckles) Oh, just a joke to put you at ease. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the basics. I’ve watched plenty of videos on YouTube.

The patient looks worried.

SURGEON: (looking around the room) You know, Mr Buckley, this is a pretty nice operating room. I’ve never been in this one before.

PATIENT: (confused) Really? You work here, don’t you?

SURGEON: (laughing) Yes, I do. But I usually work in the basement. It’s not as fancy down there. And they rarely let me out.

The surgeon picks up a scalpel, as if he doesn’t know what to do with it.

PATIENT: (starting to panic again) Wait, why are you making jokes? Shouldn’t you be focused on the operation?

SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr Buckley. I’ve got this. I’m like a superhero with a scalpel. Nothing can stop me.

The surgeon swishes the scalpel through the air like a sabre.

PATIENT: (looks sceptical) I’m not so sure that’s very reassuring.

SURGEON: Hey, relax, Mr Buckley. It’s not that big a deal. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s just like taking apart a car engine, right?

The ANAESTHETIST and NURSE enter the room and brusquely prepare the patient, while the surgeon plays with his surgical instruments.

NURSE: (to the surgeon) Everything’s ready.

SURGEON: Thank you. Now, let’s get started. Pass me that wrench.

PATIENT: (in horror) Wrench!?

SURGEON: No wrench? (laughing nervously) Oh, right. Sorry about that. I guess I’m a bit nervous too.

The surgeon picks up a saw, and wobbles it about as if he can’t control his shaking.

SURGEON: The thing is, Mr Buckley, that if this doesn’t go well, and I can’t put your bits and pieces back together again, they won’t let me out of the dark basement ever again. I CAN’T GO BACK THERE! Do you understand, Mr Buckley?

The patient is shocked and nods.

PATIENT: By the way… my name isn’t Mr Buckley.

SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr Buckley.

The lights go off then come on again, with a red tint.

PATIENT: What… what happened?

SURGEON: Just a little power failure, Mr Buckley, we get that now and again. Everything is usually fine.

The nurse hands the surgeon a large scalpel, the wrong way up. The surgeon is pleased when he works out which way up it should be, and readies to make an incision.

PATIENT: Wait! Aren’t I supposed to be anaesthetised?

SURGEON: (asking the anaesthetist)Is that right?

ANAESTHETIST: Er, I think so. But I haven’t seen that YouTube video yet.

The surgeon takes out a big drill.

PATIENT: (panicking) Aaaahhh! Get me out of here!

SURGEON: Mr Buckley, they say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m sure everything will be fine.

The surgeon, anaesthetist, and nurse are busy laughing maniacally as the patient runs away.