INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM
A patient is lying on the operating table, looking nervous. The surgeon enters the room.
SURGEON: (putting on surgical gloves) Good morning, Mr. Buckley! How are you feeling today?
PATIENT: (nervously) Oh, hi, doctor. I’m so nervous. This is my first operation. By the way…
The patient is interrupted by the surgeon.
SURGEON: (smiling) Don’t worry, Mr. Buckley. It’s my first operation too.
PATIENT: (suddenly alarmed) Wait, what? You’re kidding, right?
SURGEON: (chuckles) Of course I am! I’ve performed hundreds of operations. Just not on people.
PATIENT: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness. (realises) What?
SURGEON: (chuckles) Oh, just a joke to put you at ease. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the basics. I’ve watched plenty of videos on YouTube.
The patient looks worried.
SURGEON: (looks around the room) You know, Mr. Buckley, this is a pretty nice operating room. I’ve never been in this one before.
PATIENT: (confused) Really? You work here, don’t you?
SURGEON: (laughing) Yes, I do. But I usually work in the basement. It’s not as fancy down there. And they rarely let me out.
The surgeon picks up a scalpel, as if he doesn’t know what to do with it.
PATIENT: (starting to panic again) Wait, why are you making jokes? Shouldn’t you be focused on the operation?
SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley. I’ve got this. I’m like a superhero with a scalpel. Nothing can stop me.
The surgeon swishes the scalpel through the air like a sabre.
PATIENT: (looks sceptical) I’m not so sure that’s very reassuring.
SURGEON: Hey, relax, Mr. Buckley. It’s not that big a deal. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s just like taking apart a car engine, right?
The anaesthetist and nurse enter the room and brusquely prepare the patient, while the surgeon plays with his surgical instruments.
NURSE: (to the surgeon) Everything’s ready.
SURGEON: Thank you. Now, let’s get started. Pass me that wrench.
PATIENT: (in horror) Wrench!?
SURGEON: No wrench? (laughing nervously) Oh, right. Sorry about that. I guess I’m a bit nervous too.
The surgeon picks up a saw, and wobbles it about as if he can’t control his shaking.
SURGEON: The thing is Mr. Buckley that if this doesn’t go well and I can’t put your bits and pieces back together again, they won’t let me out of the dark basement ever again. I CAN’T GO BACK THERE! Do you understand, Mr. Buckley?
The patient is shocked and nods.
PATIENT: By the way… my name isn’t Mr. Buckley.
SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley.
The lights go off then come on again, with a red tint.
PATIENT: What? What happened?
SURGEON: Just a little power failure, Mr. Buckley, we get that now and again. Everything is usually fine.
The nurse hands the surgeon a large scalpel, the wrong way up. The surgeon is pleased when he works out which way up it should be and readies to make an incision.
PATIENT: Wait! Aren’t I supposed to be anaesthetised?
SURGEON: (asking the anaesthetist) Is that right?
ANAESTHETIST: Er, I think so. But I haven’t seen that YouTube video yet.
The surgeon takes out a big drill.
PATIENT: (panicking) Aaaahhh! Get me out of here!
SURGEON: Mr. Buckley, they say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m sure everything will be fine.
The surgeon, anaesthetist, and nurse are too busy laughing maniacally as the patient runs away.