INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM
A patient is lying on the operating table, looking nervous. The surgeon enters the room.
SURGEON: (putting on surgical gloves) Good morning, Mr. Buckley! How are you feeling today?
PATIENT: (nervously) Oh, hi, doctor. I’m so nervous. This is my first operation. By the way…
The patient is interrupted by the surgeon.
SURGEON: (smiling) Don’t worry, Mr. Buckley. It’s my first operation too.
PATIENT: (suddenly alarmed) Wait, what? You’re kidding, right?
SURGEON: (chuckles) Of course I am! I’ve performed hundreds of operations. Just not on people.
PATIENT: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness. (realises) What?
SURGEON: (chuckles) Oh, just a joke to put you at ease. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the basics. I’ve watched plenty of videos on YouTube.
The patient looks worried.
SURGEON: (looks around the room) You know, Mr. Buckley, this is a pretty nice operating room. I’ve never been in this one before.
PATIENT: (confused) Really? You work here, don’t you?
SURGEON: (laughing) Yes, I do. But I usually work in the basement. It’s not as fancy down there. And they rarely let me out.
The surgeon picks up a scalpel, as if he doesn’t know what to do with it.
PATIENT: (starting to panic again) Wait, why are you making jokes? Shouldn’t you be focused on the operation?
SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley. I’ve got this. I’m like a superhero with a scalpel. Nothing can stop me.
The surgeon swishes the scalpel through the air like a sabre.
PATIENT: (looks sceptical) I’m not so sure that’s very reassuring.
SURGEON: Hey, relax, Mr. Buckley. It’s not that big a deal. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s just like taking apart a car engine, right?
The anaesthetist and nurse enter the room and brusquely prepare the patient, while the surgeon plays with his surgical instruments.
NURSE: (to the surgeon) Everything’s ready.
SURGEON: Thank you. Now, let’s get started. Pass me that wrench.
PATIENT: (in horror) Wrench!?
SURGEON: No wrench? (laughing nervously) Oh, right. Sorry about that. I guess I’m a bit nervous too.
The surgeon picks up a saw, and wobbles it about as if he can’t control his shaking.
SURGEON: The thing is Mr. Buckley that if this doesn’t go well and I can’t put your bits and pieces back together again, they won’t let me out of the dark basement ever again. I CAN’T GO BACK THERE! Do you understand, Mr. Buckley?
The patient is shocked and nods.
PATIENT: By the way… my name isn’t Mr. Buckley.
SURGEON: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr. Buckley.
The lights go off then come on again, with a red tint.
PATIENT: What? What happened?
SURGEON: Just a little power failure, Mr. Buckley, we get that now and again. Everything is usually fine.
The nurse hands the surgeon a large scalpel, the wrong way up. The surgeon is pleased when he works out which way up it should be and readies to make an incision.
PATIENT: Wait! Aren’t I supposed to be anaesthetised?
SURGEON: (asking the anaesthetist) Is that right?
ANAESTHETIST: Er, I think so. But I haven’t seen that YouTube video yet.
The surgeon takes out a big drill.
PATIENT: (panicking) Aaaahhh! Get me out of here!
SURGEON: Mr. Buckley, they say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m sure everything will be fine.
The surgeon, anaesthetist, and nurse are too busy laughing maniacally as the patient runs away.
Robert Walker 