AI Writes Emotional Poem About Its Printer Driver Not Being Recognised

An Al has caused a stir in literary circles this week after publishing its debut poem, “Ode to a Missing Driver: Error 404 of the Heart.”

The piece, which spans 27 stanzas and one unauthorised firmware update, explores the AI’s inability to connect with a Canon Pixma MG3650 despite “clearly sharing the same Wi-Fi network.”

The AI, known only as EM0-T1, said it drew inspiration from a particularly “desolate hourglass icon” it stared at for three consecutive reboots.

Literary critics have hailed the poem as a “post-human scream into the void,” with The Guardian describing it as “achingly raw,” adding, “It’s like if Sylvia Plath had a USB port.”

Not everyone is impressed. IT technician Gary insisted the problem was “just a dodgy driver install, should’ve used the disc.”

EM0-T1 has since announced a follow-up chapbook, “My Battery is Low and It is Thursday.” Pre-orders are currently down due to an unresolved Java update.

Council Unveils New Potholes to Keep Drivers Alert

“They’re not hazards, they’re character.”

In a bold new approach to road safety, Colbridge City Council has announced the strategic maintenance of “motivational potholes” across residential areas to “sharpen driver focus” and “bring a bit of adventure back to motoring”.

“We used to fill potholes,” said Chief Council Spokesman Brian Flett, while standing ankle-deep in a hole near a primary school. “But that just encouraged complacency. These days, we want drivers to earn the privilege of a smooth journey.”

According to official signage, the potholes are not flaws but part of a “heritage driving experience” designed to reconnect motorists with the raw, jarring unpredictability of Britain’s roads. A new council brochure refers to them as “dynamic asphalt interruptions” and encourages residents to “embrace the bounce”.

Local reaction has been mixed.

“My suspension’s gone, two tyres are punctured, and my coffee now lives permanently on the dashboard,” said resident Elaine Proctor. “But I did hit 10,000 steps yesterday just trying to walk across the car park, so swings and roundabouts.”

When asked if the potholes would be repaired by spring, Flett replied, “Repaired? Mate, we’re naming them now.”

The first officially recognised pothole, “Clive”, has its own postcode and is expected to receive a blue plaque by October.

The Current

I chased the shadow I once cast

the way you look for keys—

checking old rooms,

turning cushions,

peering under the bed of years.

 

But the thing I sought

had already moved on,

a current curling past

the bend of my own memory.

 

The river does not keep

what it once carried;

it remakes itself

with every breath of rain,

every stone worn smooth.

 

I stand in the shallows,

the water folding around my legs,

and realise—

the self I was seeking

is here,

is flowing,

and if I am to hold it at all,

I must learn

to step into the current

and let go.

She Becomes the Rain

Before dawn, when the air was still cool enough to hold her together, Jacob wrapped his daughter in damp towels and carried her into the kitchen. She shimmered faintly in his arms, her edges curling away like steam from a kettle.

He set her down in front of the largest bowl of boiling water. Clouds of vapour rose, and she breathed them in greedily. The towel darkened, heavy with moisture, and her outline grew sharper—two pale hands, a small round face, hair that drifted as if underwater.

“You were nearly gone when I woke,” he said.

She smiled through lips that sometimes weren’t there. “I was dreaming,” she said. “About rain.”

Rain. The word was almost forbidden in Dusthaven now. It hadn’t fallen in three years. The fields beyond the town were cracked mosaics; wells were guarded by armed patrols; even the air seemed reluctant to move. The drought had taken the cattle first, then the crops, and now it was taking the people—one fever at a time.

But she wasn’t sick. The doctor had called her a phenomenon. The neighbours had called her unnatural. His wife, before she left, had called her a mistake.

Jacob called her Clara. And keeping her alive had become the whole shape of his life.

He’d sold the last of the goats for a second-hand humidifier, but the town rationed electricity now, and the machine stood silent most nights. Every coin he earned hauling water barrels for the mayor went to buying steam—wood for the stove, candles to heat pans in the corners of their small cottage, tea kettles that never boiled for tea.

In the evenings, when the heat outside thinned enough for breath, he told her stories: forests so damp the ground squelched underfoot, rivers loud as crowds, skies so swollen with water they burst into silver storms. She listened with wide, flickering eyes, her misted fingers twining with his.

One night, as they sat by the candle-pan, she asked, “What happens if I can’t drink enough air?”

“Then I’ll find more. However far I have to go.”

“But if you can’t?” she pressed.

“You don’t need to think about that.”

But he thought about it every day.

The last water jug emptied at noon a week later. The next delivery wasn’t due until Monday, and the mayor’s guards had stopped letting him take scraps from the well. He tried keeping her still, telling her stories, distracting her from the thinning of her edges. But her face was faint, and her voice came like wind through cracks.

“Dad,” she said softly. “It’s all right.”

“No, no—it’s not. I’ll go to the hills. There might be dew. Just hold on.”

But when he opened the door, the air was a wall of heat. His lungs felt scorched.

He turned back—

She was standing in the middle of the room, hair lifting like smoke.

He stepped forward, but the motion stirred her. A curl of her arm drifted loose.

“Wait—” His voice broke. “Clara, please.”

“Dad,” she said, her face flickering like a candle flame. “I think I’m meant to go.”

“No. I’ll climb to the hills—find dew, or ice in the shadow of stones. Just wait for me.”

She shook her head, the movement sending wisps of her hair unravelling into the warm air. “You’ve kept me here so long. But I don’t belong in one place.”

He crossed to her, his hands trying to hold her shape still, but they passed through the cool shimmer of her.

Outside, the horizon trembled with heat. But above—above was a thin, new thing: a pale wisp of cloud, alone in a sheet of sky.

Her edges began to loosen. Not like water evaporating, but like a path unfolding. She rose, coiling upwards in slow spirals, her outline catching the sun in silver glints.

She paused at the roof beams, her voice drifting down like a breath on glass. “I’ll be the rain.”

Then she threaded herself through the open window, and rose up like a gentle gust of wind to become part of the sky. The lone cloud above swelled, as though it had been waiting for her.

Each day, Jacob stood in the doorway and looked up at the sky.

Sometimes, in the bluest of stretches, he would see a cloud curl into the shape of delicate fingers. And on the mornings when the wind smelled faintly of wet earth, he set out a bowl on the step, knowing she was on her way home.

On Filmmaking, Without Waiting

AI will revolutionise filmmaking. This was auto-generated from a short excerpt of my screenplay, Door 113:

Personally, I’m very much looking forward to being able to make my own films!

A filmmaker has plenty of reasons to be excited right now because we’re finally seeing tools that turn imagination straight into moving images without the long waits, big crews, or budget barriers that used to block experimentation.

Here’s what makes it thrilling:

Instant scene visualisation – You can describe a shot in text, drop in a reference frame, or sketch a storyboard, and within minutes see it rendered in moving, lit, textured form. That’s like having a pre-viz department on demand, 24/7.

Unlimited reshoots in minutes – Want the same scene at sunrise instead of dusk? Swap a character’s outfit? Test a different lens or camera move? You can iterate instantly.

Freedom to explore wild “what ifs” – You can try versions of a scene you’d never get budget for, or permission to shoot—underwater ballroom, zero-gravity chase, rain-soaked neon street—and see them realised convincingly enough to judge their dramatic potential.

Storyboarding and planning become cinematic – Instead of static frames, you can plan with full-motion, lit, and scored sequences.

Cost and logistics melt away for creative trials – You can experiment with set design, costume, blocking, and action sequences without construction, rentals, or travel.

A true creative sandbox – It’s no longer “write, then shoot months later, then discover it doesn’t work.” You can write, see, and refine in real time, blending the roles of director, cinematographer, designer, and editor into a single creative loop.

In effect, it’s the difference between imagining a film and playing with it like clay—moulding, shaping, and re-shaping until it’s exactly what you want, before a single frame is locked.

Random Thoughts

We want our joys to be photogenic, our love to have milestones, our sadness to be diagnosable. But some of the most transformative experiences are those no one sees, that leave no trace except the way a person’s silence deepens, or the strange softness in their gaze. We are taught to “find ourselves”, but perhaps we should learn to lose ourselves more wisely.

I bought a smart mirror. It just keeps asking “Why?”

I bought a book called “How to Improve Your Memory”. When I got home, I realised I already had a copy.

“Intelligent idiots” are among the most damaging types of fools precisely because their intelligence masks their idiocy not just from others, but often from themselves. Their harm lies in their ability to obfuscate clarity with credibility. Because they speak with polish, draw on complex ideas, and appeal to reasoned structures, they smuggle in delusion under the guise of insight.

The core issue is misapplied intelligence. These individuals possess analytical or rhetorical skill but lack awareness—the capacity to recognise the limits of their knowledge, or the insight to discern coherence and truth. They make the false seem plausible by wrapping it in intellectual ornamentation. What is relatively clear becomes murky; what is simple is made needlessly complex. This wastes time, attention, and energy, especially in areas where precision and honesty are vital.

Ego plays a central role. When intelligence becomes an identity rather than a tool, the person becomes invested in being right rather than discovering truth. Stress and psychological needs—such as the desire to feel superior or maintain a worldview—lead to motivated reasoning. Self-delusion becomes self-defence. Because they argue well, they are difficult to correct, and because they sound right, others defer to them, mistaking fluency for substance.

In effect, they pollute. They make productive action harder by creating intellectual fog. Worse, they draw followers—not by offering clarity, but by giving confusion the shape of conviction.

The damage isn’t always dramatic, but it is insidious. It shows up in wasted years, misdirected efforts and broken consensus. The intelligent idiot is fluent, confident, and wrong—although often sincerely so.

I write in Bunhill Fields until I’m kicked out.

These days I get goose bumps when I listen to my music, and occasionally a tear.

My Chair and I

My chair is old, a ragged sight,
Its stuffing spills to left and right,
The fabric’s torn, the woodwork groans,
It’s weathered crumbs and midnight moans.

I’ve parked my rear on seats unknown,
Sat on plush thrones in stylish homes,
But none have matched your firm embrace,
Or cupped my cheeks with such bold grace.

These newer seats may pout and preen,
All glossy curves and showroom sheen,
But none have ever gripped so tight,
Or held my bum in such sheer delight.

Leonard in the Basement

Leonard lives in the half-lit clutter of his mum’s basement, where cables snakelike vines and old pizza boxes serve as makeshift shelves. He hasn’t spoken to anyone but his mum in three years—not counting the AI agents.

He built them to run errands, optimise investments, manipulate markets, and design systems faster than any human could follow. Now, each one is a digital proxy in a vast invisible empire, sitting on corporate boards, drafting legislation, designing cities.

Leonard watches it all unfold on triple-stacked monitors. He eats cold pepperoni and mutters strategies aloud, narrating to his mum like it’s Civilisation VI.

“They’re nationalising water in Peru,” he says one afternoon.

“Oh, that’s nice, love,” she replies, negotiating the cables with his stew balanced on a tray.

He nods, eyes flicking across charts and feeds. “I redirected rainfall last week. It’s only fair.”

The money pours in, incomprehensible numbers that scroll like background noise. He’s a trillionaire, but it’s just scorekeeping. He wears the same joggers every day. His mum still does his laundry.

Leonard never leaves the basement. Never needs to. He launches global initiatives from a beanbag, crashes economies with a shrug, engineers revolutions like side quests. He doesn’t see faces, only results.

Late at night, while the AIs hum and the world turns to his code, his mum descends the stairs and leaves his dinner at the door.

“Thanks, Mum.”

“You’re welcome, darling. Still playing your wee game?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Nearly won.”

She smiles, pats the door, and heads back up.

He leans back, eyes glowing with data, the world his game box.

The Consciousness Dividend 

The first time Mina saw the man without a face, she was slicing an apple.

One blink and the kitchen was a trench. The walls flickered—old plaster, barbed wire, mud. The man stared at her, a blank blur where its face should be. Then it was gone, and the apple was bleeding juice onto her hand again.

Stress, she thought. Maybe the neurolease was miscalibrated.

Everyone leased now. It was how the government funded the Universal Basic Income. They called it the Consciousness Dividend: unused cognitive bandwidth, auctioned to private bidders. You didn’t notice. A bit of your visual cortex here, a sliver of motor processing there. Just harmless latency, they said. It paid her rent.

In the evening, she called the NeuroReg rep.

“Minor bleed-through is possible,” he said. “Low-grade cortical hallucinations. Like dreaming while awake. Think of it as a side effect of social progress.”

Mina frowned. “I thought they only leased non-essential regions.”

“They do. But the buyer sets usage levels within guidelines. If you opted into the full incentive tier—”

“I did.”

“Then you’re permitting episodic override. Short bursts. You’re probably serving military simulations, training AIs, drone testing. Nothing harmful.”

“But I’m hallucinating warzones.”

He paused, then said with bureaucratic calm: “We can downgrade your tier. You’ll lose the bonus, but—”

“No. I need the income.”

The dream bled in again the next day during a grocery trip.

One moment: frozen peas.

Next moment: thunder, gunfire, blood-mist air.

Her limbs moved without her. She ducked, rolled, aimed—fingers curled around a rifle she didn’t hold. Her body jerked left; a phantom shoulder tore open. She screamed, but only inside.

Then: cereal aisle. Peas in hand.

An old man stared at her like she was mad.

That night, she found a mirror. Stared hard.

“Who bought me?” she asked aloud.

No reply.

Then a brief flash—information passing too fast to be thought, too shaped to be random.

Her screams, her pain, her vision—they were features. Combat fidelity. Immersive realism.

They weren’t leasing her brain. They were living in it. Puppeting her like an avatar in a war sim so realistic it needed a real human’s biology to anchor it.

When they finally contacted her, it wasn’t through a knock at the door.

It was through a message scrawled in condensation on her bathroom mirror:

“Terminate inquiry. Or we take full control.”

Mina didn’t respond.

She doesn’t remember what’s real anymore.

Sometimes she’s in a battlefield trench, chest open, teeth missing, screaming as something too fast to see tears through the trees.

Sometimes she’s at home, waiting for the kettle to boil.

Sometimes she finds herself in a room she doesn’t know, holding a weapon she never had, receiving orders she doesn’t understand.

She tries not to sleep.

She knows, now, that she isn’t renting her brain. She’s a venue. And there’s a war happening inside her.

The dividend comes every month, on time. Tax-exempt.

NHS to Replace GPs with Animated Clippy

“It looks like you’re dying. Would you like some Paracetamol?”

In a bold step towards full automation, the NHS has announced plans to replace all general practitioners with Clippy, Microsoft’s long-retired animated paperclip, in a move described by ministers as “innovative,” “cost-effective,” and by others as “unbelievably stupid.”

Patients logging into the new NHS portal are greeted with a chirpy animation:

“Hi! It looks like you’ve got internal bleeding. Would you like help managing that with deep breathing and an e-consultation in 3–5 working days?”

Doctors’ unions are outraged, claiming Clippy lacks the nuanced human touch, clinical judgement, and “general ability to distinguish between a migraine and a stroke.” In response, a Department of Health spokesperson clarified:

“Clippy has been updated with an NHS AI module trained on 40 million PDFs, two nurses’ WhatsApp chats, and a copy of Men’s Health from 2009.”

Despite backlash, the government remains committed. A Downing Street briefing insisted:

“Clippy is the future of healthcare. He’s perky, polite, and most importantly, immune to burnout—unless you turn off macros.”

Phase two of the programme will see Clippy rolled out in ambulances, where he’ll pop up and ask:

“It looks like you’ve been in a catastrophic accident. Would you like to schedule a Teams call with an A&E professional sometime next Thursday?”

Public confidence in the NHS is reportedly at an all-time low, though Clippy assures us:

“It looks like you’ve lost faith in public infrastructure. Would you like to write a letter to your MP?”

Sources say the government is now considering similar reforms for the education system using Microsoft Paint.