Tag: Comedy

INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

Two co-workers, JANET and LUCY, are having lunch.

JANET: (smiling) Hey Lucy, how are you today?

LUCY: (smiling back) I’m fine.

JANET: (sceptical) Just fine?

LUCY: (quickly) Yeah, fine.

JANET: Are you sure?

LUCY: (defensively) Yes, I’m fine. Really.

JANET: Really, really sure?

LUCY: (starting to get cross) Yes. I’m fine.

JANET: (smiling) Okay, if you say so.

LUCY: And how are you?

JANET: (tuts in disgust) You really want to know?

LUCY: Er, okay.

JANET: Shut up! Shut up, okay! You would not even begin to comprehend what it is like to be me! My life is filled with one stress after another. I’m tortured by the past, miserable in the present, and anxious about the future. I look into the meaningless void of my existence and only emptiness looks back. But I don’t want to say one more word about any of this to YOU, so I DEMAND, yes DEMAND, you change the subject, NOW! If you ever, ever ask me this question again, I will give you the exact same response – and all the utter contempt your stupid question demands…

(beat)

Oh, sorry! I meant, “I’m fine”.

LUCY: Yeah, it’s easier just to say, “I’m fine”.

They continue eating as normal.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

OLIVER is sitting on the sofa, swiping away on his phone.

His girlfriend (AMELIA) enters the room, looking stressed.

AMELIA: Oliver, my phone is broken.

Oliver is absorbed in his phone and not really listening.

OLIVER: Oh no, that’s rough.

AMELIA: And I need to talk to you.

Oliver is surprised, but is still looking at his phone.

OLIVER: Talk? Talk to me?

AMELIA: Yeah, you know, like face to face. Without screens or filters.

OLIVER: (realising) Oh, you mean like back in ancient times?

AMELIA: Yeah, I guess so.

OLIVER: (stunned) Whoa, this is going to get weird.

Amelia sits next to him on the sofa.

AMELIA: Tell me about it.

Oliver scratches his head and looks awkward. He misunderstands Amelia’s comment.

OLIVER: Well, I don’t know where to start…

AMELIA: (sighs) Well, you know, I just need to vent. Work has been so hectic lately, and…

Oliver is looking confused. He holds his phone up in front of Amelia and swipes at the screen.

AMELIA: Oliver, put the phone down, will you?

OLIVER: Sorry, this is just so freaky without emojis. I can’t even customise you with unicorn ears and stars whizzing around your head. I don’t know how cave people used to cope. Okay, anyway, I’ll give it a go… Vent away.

AMELIA: Well, my phone was broken when I dropped it during my slick dance moves on top of the office printer in accounts. Everyone was looking and…

OLIVER: (interrupting) Wait, can’t you just send me a vlog, or a screenshot of your notes, or something?

AMELIA: Oh yeah, sorry babe, the content will drop. I just need your phone to film your response on TikTok.

Oliver springs up, and without music, immediately does an enthusiastic (but ridiculous) TikTok dance. Amelia films it on his phone and taps lots of emojis. Oliver completes his moves and does a hand gesture pose to sign off.

INT. PUB – DAY

SARA and CHRIS are sitting at a table, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes, nuzzling, and chatting. They are clearly a romantic couple.

MIKE walks in. Sara is overjoyed and gets up and runs to him; she throws her arms around him and kisses him. They both return to the table, arm in arm and smiling joyously.

MIKE: (excited) Hi Chris, we have some very exciting news!

CHRIS: (nervously) What is it?

SARA: (beaming) We’re dating!

MIKE: Yes, at least three times a day!

SARA: Chris? What is it? You never agree with any of my decisions do you. And Mike is your best friend, you bastard!

MIKE: Yeah Chris, you bastard, how can you just sit there and not congratulate us. We’ve been best friends for years.

CHRIS: Erm, sorry?

SARA: (to Chris) Okay, fine, well I’m dating your brother at five, so please hurry up and buy us the best champagne to celebrate.

INT. CONFERENCE VENUE – DAY

A motivational SPEAKER is on stage addressing a large crowd.

SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, never give up on your dreams! Some people give up on their dreams when they wake up and get out of bed. I say, dream BIG! Go back to bed and get some sleep.

A MAN in the front row of the audience, who has been nodding off, suddenly starts to snore loudly.

The speaker walks over to him with his microphone.

SPEAKER: Excuse me, sir, please tell us, what is your dream?

MAN: (waking up, rubbing his eyes) Er? Oh, sorry. I must have dozed off.

The audience laughs.

SPEAKER: Hahaha! Don’t apologise, it happens to the best of us! What is the dream, sir?

Another audience member shouts out excitedly:

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Never give up on your dreams!

SPEAKER: Exactly! Sir, please tell us all, what is your dream?

MAN: Well, it’s silly really…

SPEAKER: Yes?

MAN: I suppose I want to be a professional napper.

SPEAKER: Oh! A round of applause ladies and gentlemen, please!

The audience applauds.

SPEAKER: A professional napper, he says! I say, why not? The world needs more people who take their dreams seriously. You know what I say? Do you? I say go for it. Go for it… right now!

AUDIENCE: Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

The audience is standing up and getting very excited – whooping, cheering, and clapping. The speaker is ecstatically running around the stage.

SPEAKER: You can do it. DO IT!

The man tries but doesn’t feel much like it now.