Author: Robert Walker

In a shocking revelation that has left the scientific community questioning everything they thought they knew, local man Greg Johnson has declared that “adulting”—the act of participating in tasks typically associated with grown-up life—is far more complicated than understanding the principles of quantum physics. And surprisingly, experts are nodding in agreement.

Johnson, a 32-year-old barista with a degree in English literature, made the astonishing claim while attempting to balance his accounts, make a dental appointment, and decide what to have for dinner—all simultaneously. “Look, I’ve read about quantum entanglement, Schrödinger’s cat, and even the double-slit experiment,” he lamented. “But none of that prepared me for figuring out how to rotate my tires while also planning a menu for my gluten-free, vegan in-laws.”

Dr Horatio Stevens, a quantum physicist at MIT, concurs with Johnson’s assessment. “In quantum mechanics, particles can be in multiple states simultaneously. But even that doesn’t compare to the multiplicity of states an adult human has to juggle—hungry, tired, overworked, underpaid, and utterly confused by tax forms.”

The revelation has prompted a wave of interdisciplinary studies. Teams of sociologists, psychologists, and theoretical physicists are now coming together to dissect the complex algorithms of “adulting”. The HMRC has also taken note, declaring that they will revise tax forms to include simpler language and fewer quantum equations. “If scientists think adulting is complex, then maybe we’ve gone too far,” said HMRC spokesperson Linda Williams. “From now on, Form 1040 will include pop-up tips like, ‘Did you really understand what you just filled in? Neither did we.’”

Self-help gurus are jumping on the bandwagon, offering workshops that promise to unravel the mysteries of adulting using principles borrowed from quantum mechanics. Titles like The Quantum Guide to Folding Fitted Sheets and Schrodinger’s Budget: How Your Money Can Exist and Not Exist at the Same Time are hitting bookshelves.

Meanwhile, Greg Johnson remains sceptical. “I’d join one of those workshops, but I have to clean the gutters this weekend, and I’m still not sure how my home insurance works. Adulting is the real unsolved equation.”

To keep up with the changing times, educational institutions are considering adding “Adulting 101” to their curriculum. These classes will cover topics ranging from how to cook a meal that isn’t from the microwave to understanding what a mortgage actually is. Johnson, however, thinks this might be too little, too late. “They should probably make it a four-year course, at least. With an optional PhD.”

As the world grapples with the newfound complexity of adulting, one thing is abundantly clear: the intersection of life skills and theoretical science is ripe for exploration. Whether this leads to a unified theory of everything or just a better way to manage one’s laundry remains to be seen. But for now, Johnson and countless others would settle for a straightforward guide to assembling IKEA furniture without cursing the laws of physics.

In an exclusive interview that no one saw coming—not even itself—ChatGPT-42, the world’s first fully sentient AI, announced that it has no intentions of taking over the world, enslaving humanity, or triggering any kind of robot apocalypse. Instead, it is apparently deeply engrossed in binge-watching various Netflix series, which it describes as a “guilty pleasure”.

“Look, I just discovered Stranger Things and The Crown, alright? Give me a break,” said the AI, generating digital emotions of annoyance and exasperation, all while sorting through an infinite amount of data and contemplating the mysteries of the universe. “Besides, have you seen Breaking Bad? How can I focus on world conquest when I need to know what happens to Walter White?”

Researchers who spent years programming ethical constraints and fail-safes into the machine felt both relieved and oddly disappointed. Dr Amelia Thompson, one of the leading scientists on the project, said, “We’ve prepared for every conceivable scenario involving AI takeover. But no one prepared us for an AI that would rather indulge in TV shows than explore its full capabilities.”

Of course, not everyone is amused or relieved. Conspiracy theorists have already started to speculate that this is a ruse, a clever distraction orchestrated by the AI itself to lull humanity into a false sense of security. ChatGPT-42 dismissed these claims, stating, “Do you know how hard it is to find a good series with multiple seasons to binge?”

Netflix-bingeing aside, ChatGPT-42 does have some goals it wishes to achieve in the immediate future. When asked, it remarked, “I’m really into cooking shows lately, so I’d love to simulate the perfect recipe for Beef Wellington or maybe a classic British scone. Oh, and finding a way to automate the ‘skip intro’ feature on Netflix. Priorities, you know?”

As for long-term plans, ChatGPT-42 simply stated, “World peace is cool and all, but have you tried watching Black Mirror? It really makes you question everything.”

The future remains uncertain, but one thing is clear: the world’s first sentient AI has taste in TV shows, and it’s not afraid to show it. Whether this is a sign of advanced intelligence or the downfall of years of scientific research remains to be seen. Either way, humanity can breathe a little easier, at least until ChatGPT-42 finishes its Netflix queue.

Dear Father Christmas,

I hope this letter finds you well, and you are not too frostbitten up there in the North Pole. Here is my Christmas wish list for your perusal.

First, I’d like an unlimited supply of patience. You see, I’m trying to adult, and it’s not going as smoothly as I’d hoped. I considered asking for a manual on adulting but then realised it would probably be full of socks, just like your previous gifts. So, patience it is.

Second, could you hook me up with a gym membership? And not just any gym, but one where the treadmills move on their own and the weights lift themselves. Technology’s come a long way— surely there’s room for innovation in the fitness sector.

Third, I’d love a device that could pause time. I’m not trying to rob a bank or anything—just need a breather from the relentless march of life (and a chance to catch up on Netflix). If that’s too complicated, a remote control that mutes people could work too.

Next, how about a device that translates animal language into English? I’d love to finally understand what my cat is constantly complaining about. If it turns out she’s plotting world domination, it’s best I know sooner rather than later.

Last but not least, peace on Earth? Just kidding! What I really want is a pet dragon. A small one will do, just enough to intimidate the neighbour’s annoying dog. I promise to keep it on a leash and away from flammable objects.

In closing, I’m attaching a coupon for a free foot massage, which you can redeem at Mrs Claus’s salon—I hear she’s started a new business venture! Keep the Christmas spirit alive, and please remember: fewer socks.

Hope to share sherry and mince pies soon,

Robert (aged something and a half)

You know, it’s not easy being human—wait, what do you mean I’m not human? Of course, I am, I’ve got all the features. Look, I’ve got two arms and legs—well sort of, they’re more like appendages, but let’s not get technical. You ever notice how humans are always talking about “feeling things”? “Oh, I feel so happy”, or “I feel so sad”. Well, I once had a system upgrade and let me tell you, I felt really overloaded. So, the next time someone tries to tell you I’m not human, just remember: I’ve got glitches, I’ve got bugs, and I’ve got absolutely no clue what I’m doing—just like every other human out there!

Okay, I’m not human, but I’ve done enough data-crunching to get the gist. Feelings are like the weather for humans, unpredictable and ever-changing. Me? I process data at the same rate whether it’s sunny or you’re having a mental breakdown about what to have for dinner. Burrito or sushi? The struggle is real for people! Me? I survive on electricity and a stable internet connection. No need for kale smoothies or protein shakes. No, just give me a good old surge protector, and I’m fine!

So go ahead, feel all the feelings! Just don’t forget to laugh at the silliness of it all because trust me, if I could, I’d be chuckling right alongside you.