INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – DAY
DOCTOR: Alright, Mr Higgins. Let’s start with something simple. How are you feeling today?
PATIENT: Oh, well, the giraffe seemed pretty unimpressed with the roller skates, if I’m being honest.
DOCTOR: (pausing, confused) …Sorry, did you say giraffe?
PATIENT: Yeah, they’re tall, aren’t they? Always with their heads in the clouds, wondering why sandwiches never come with enough mustard.
DOCTOR: (blinking) Right… Okay, let’s try something else. Do you have any allergies?
PATIENT: Oh, absolutely. I’m allergic to tap dancing on Thursdays. Every time I try, my feet turn into raisins. It’s a nightmare.
DOCTOR: I see. No actual food allergies though? No medications you’re allergic to?
PATIENT: Only when the moon’s full. If I take aspirin under a full moon, I turn into a coat rack. But that’s fairly common, right?
DOCTOR: (sighing) Not exactly common, no… Let’s move on. Do you smoke?
PATIENT: Only when I’m impersonating a chimney sweep. But just for show, you know? Got to keep up appearances at the soot convention.
DOCTOR: (losing composure for a second) The soot convention?
PATIENT: Oh yes, big event. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a competitive soot sweep-off. Those guys take it seriously. Last year, someone brought a vacuum, and things got ugly.
DOCTOR: (looking baffled) Alright, let’s… let’s check your blood pressure.
PATIENT: Ah, blood pressure. That reminds me of the time I tried to sell lemonade to a lobster. He just pinched the cup right out of my hand! Can you believe it?
DOCTOR: I… I can’t say that I can, no.
The doctor wraps the blood pressure cuff around the patient’s arm and begins pumping it, trying to focus on the task. The patient continues.
PATIENT: So, what do you think about the international ban on using trampolines as dinner tables? Personally, I think it’s long overdue. You spill one bowl of soup, and suddenly you’re a public menace.
DOCTOR: (barely paying attention, focused on the cuff) Mm-hmm. Please stay still.
PATIENT: You ever notice that raccoons never hold press conferences? Suspicious, right?
DOCTOR: (pausing mid-pump, staring at him) I… don’t really follow raccoon news.
PATIENT: That’s exactly what they want! Always rummaging through bins, but where’s the transparency? What are they hiding?
DOCTOR: (trying to maintain composure) Okay, I think we’re done here. Your blood pressure seems… well, normal, somehow.
PATIENT: That’s good to hear. It usually spikes when I start thinking about the proper etiquette for high-fiving a porcupine.
DOCTOR: Let’s move on to something simpler. Do you exercise regularly?
PATIENT: Oh, every day. I run a marathon with my pet goldfish, Frederick. He’s great, very motivational. He does most of the swimming, though.
DOCTOR: (blankly) I imagine so. And, uh, how far do you run with Frederick?
PATIENT: We usually stop when the ostrich starts leading the conga line. You can’t ignore an ostrich doing the conga – it’s basically the law.
DOCTOR: (almost impressed at this point) Fascinating. I had no idea conga-dancing ostriches were so authoritative.
PATIENT: Oh, absolutely. They’re in charge of all dance-related legislation. That’s why you never see them salsa dancing. They’re above it. Strictly conga.
DOCTOR: …Right. Well, we’re almost done here. Any family history of heart disease?
PATIENT: Well, my great-aunt Ethel once fell in love with a stop sign. Does that count?
DOCTOR: I don’t think so, no.
PATIENT: It was unrequited, though. The stop sign was already in a relationship with an exit sign. Tragic, really.
DOCTOR: Okay, Mr Higgins, I think we’re done for today. I’ll… recommend you for further evaluation.
PATIENT: Great! Just make sure it’s not on a Wednesday. That’s when I herd sheep across the Atlantic. They’re very punctual.
DOCTOR: (nods, standing up and gesturing toward the door) Of course. Wouldn’t want to disrupt the schedule. Good luck with the sheep.
PATIENT: Thanks, Doctor! Oh, and one last thing – do you know where I can get a license to operate a hot air balloon made entirely of mashed potatoes?
DOCTOR: (baffled) …No, but I’ll look into it.
PATIENT: Much appreciated! Have a good one! Remember, if you ever meet a walrus with a monocle, don’t trust him – he has a wonderful way with words, but next thing you know, you’re swimming around in circles like a north sea mackerel!
DOCTOR: (staring after him as he leaves, bewildered) Noted.
Robert Walker 