Tag: Musings on a Rock

So, you’ve decided it’s time to finally get your life together. Congratulations! This is a bold and admirable step—one that will last approximately three days before you give up and return to your normal, dysfunctional existence. But let’s pretend, for now, that you’re actually going to follow through.

Here’s a foolproof step-by-step guide to transforming yourself into a productive, responsible, well-adjusted adult. Or, at the very least, someone who appears to have their life together.

Step 1: Cry in the Shower

This is crucial. You cannot skip this step. The shower is the perfect place for a life-altering breakdown. The acoustics make your sobs more dramatic, the water hides your tears, and you can stare blankly at the tiles like you’re in a sad indie film.

While you’re there, reflect on the mess you’ve made of your life. Think about all the unread emails, the unfulfilled potential, and the expired yoghurt in your fridge. Let the weight of it all crash down on you.

Good. Now you’re ready for step two.

Step 2: Make an Overly Ambitious To-Do List

Grab a notebook (or, let’s be honest, your phone) and write down every single thing you need to do. This will include:

• Fixing your sleep schedule.

• Organising your entire home.

• Reading 47 books you’ve been meaning to get to.

• Learning a new language.

• Going to the gym every day.

• Finally responding to that email from three months ago.

Perfect. You’ve now created an impossible standard that will soon lead to crushing disappointment. But at least you feel productive for now.

Step 3: Buy Fancy Productivity Supplies Instead of Actually Doing Anything

Now that you have a plan, it’s time to avoid doing any of it by convincing yourself that you need the perfect tools first.

• Buy a brand-new laptop that you will use exactly twice.

• Get a stack of motivational self-help books that will sit untouched on your shelf.

• Invest in a high-quality pen, because obviously, you can’t change your life with a regular one.

Spending money on things that symbolise productivity is almost the same as being productive. Almost.

Step 4: Completely Redesign Your Morning Routine (That You’ll Never Follow)

All the successful people wake up at 5 a.m., right? Time to become one of them.

Your new morning routine will include:

• Waking up before the sun.

• Meditating for 20 minutes.

• Drinking a litre of lemon water.

• Journaling about your intentions for the day.

• Cooking a wholesome, protein-packed breakfast.

• Doing yoga or an intense workout.

• Reading something intellectually stimulating.

You’ll do this once. Then you’ll go back to waking up 10 minutes before you have to leave the house and eating half a granola bar in the car.

Step 5: Attempt to Declutter, Get Emotionally Attached to a Broken Charger

Time to clean your space! You’ll start with enthusiasm, throwing things into a donation pile like you’re starring in your own Netflix tidying show.

Then, it happens. You find an old top that you haven’t worn in years, but what if you need it someday? You pick up a half-dead phone charger and feel a strange sense of nostalgia. You discover a box of miscellaneous cables, and even though you don’t know what any of them belong to, you might need them in the future.

By the end of the day, your home looks exactly the same, but now there are just piles of things in different places.

Step 6: Start a New Hobby, Give Up Immediately

Nothing says “getting your life together” like picking up a new hobby. YouTube has convinced you that you could be a painter, a knitter, a pianist, a marathon runner, and a gourmet chef if you just put your mind to it.

You buy all the supplies. You watch one tutorial. You attempt it for 10 minutes, realise it’s hard, and immediately give up.

That’s okay. Just store the supplies in a cupboard somewhere, where they will sit untouched forever.

Step 7: Have a Mid-Afternoon Existential Crisis

At some point, you’ll realise that despite all your efforts, you are still you. The same flawed, procrastinating, overthinking mess you’ve always been. The weight of this realisation will hit you hard.

You will lie down for a while. Possibly on the floor. Possibly in a blanket cocoon.

Step 8: Decide That “Balance” Is More Important Than Productivity

After failing to become a superhuman productivity machine, you’ll eventually conclude that maybe—just maybe—you don’t have to be perfect. You’ll tell yourself that life is about balance.

You’ll abandon your 5 a.m. routine and decide that waking up at 7 is fine. You’ll accept that you’ll never read all the books on your list, and that’s okay. You’ll realise that maybe it’s better to make realistic goals instead of aiming for perfection.

You’ll realise that personal fulfilment is actually nothing to do with perceived achievements but everything to do with appreciating the world around you.

This will feel like a profound and life-changing breakthrough.

Step 9: Forget Everything and Return to Your Old Ways

One week later, you’re back to doomscrolling until 2 a.m., living in mild chaos, and convincing yourself that next week is when you’ll really get your life together.

And the cycle continues.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully followed every step of this guide. Now, go take another shower. You’ve earned it.

Love is blind, they say. But is it this blind? You thought you had found the perfect partner—charming, mysterious, maybe a little jittery—but something just feels… off. They disappear for long periods, avoid direct questions, and seem way too interested in nuts. Could it be that your significant other isn’t a single human being at all, but rather five squirrels working together in an elaborate disguise?

Here are some clear warning signs that you may, in fact, be dating a highly coordinated team of woodland rodents.

1. They Avoid Sitting in Chairs Like a Normal Person

Have you ever actually seen them sit in a chair properly? No, they either crouch on the edge, sit bolt upright with an unnatural stiffness, or refuse to sit at all. They might even grip the chair arms a little too tightly, as if struggling against gravity. Almost as if… they’re trying to prevent the whole operation from toppling over.

2. They’re Weirdly Obsessed with Trees

A casual stroll in the park turns into an uncomfortable experience. Their eyes dart towards every tree, their whole body tensing. They get distracted mid-conversation whenever they spot an oak, and they always suggest sitting under a tree instead of at a café. One time, you caught them stroking the bark and whispering, “Home”.

3. Their Diet Consists Almost Entirely of Nuts and Berries

When you first started dating, you thought it was just a quirky personality trait. “Oh, they’re just really into healthy snacks!” But now that you think about it, they’ve never ordered anything at a restaurant that requires cutlery. They recoil at the sight of soup, avoid pasta like the plague, and get visibly excited whenever they spot an unattended bowl of peanuts.

4. Their Hands Are Always Hidden

Gloves. Long sleeves. A firm commitment to pockets. They refuse to let you see their hands, no matter how many times you jokingly ask, “What, are you hiding something?” If you do manage to catch a glimpse, they seem… smaller than expected. Although strangely dexterous. Suspiciously furry.

5. Their Speech Patterns Are Strange and Repetitive

They keep repeating phrases like, “Yes, indeed, what a normal human thing to say,” or “Ah, the stock market, of course, a topic I understand.” Their vocabulary leans heavily towards survivalist themes: “Dangerous world out there.” “Must be alert at all times.” “Food storage is key.” If you ask them about their childhood, they get evasive and say something cryptic like, “I was raised in the trees.”

6. They Have a Deep-Seated Fear of Dogs

You introduce them to your friend’s Labrador, and suddenly, they’re on edge. Their eyes widen, and they slowly start edging towards the nearest tree. When the dog notices them and barks, they disappear so fast you barely see them go. Later, they claim they “just had somewhere to be”.

7. You Once Caught Them Trying to Fit Into a Postbox

This should have been the moment you realised. Maybe it was a dare, maybe they said they “dropped something,” but no normal human attempts to crawl inside a postbox with such determination. When you confronted them, they panicked and threw a handful of acorns at you before bolting at an inhuman speed.

What To Do If You Suspect Your Partner is Five Squirrels in a Trench Coat

• Test their reflexes. Drop something suddenly—do they dart after it with alarming precision?

• Offer them a salad. If they pick out everything except the nuts, you have your answer: you’re dating an unstable stack of rodents.

At this point, you have two choices:

1. Confront them. Sit them down (if they can sit) and ask for the truth.

2. Accept it. Maybe love really is blind. Maybe five squirrels working together in perfect harmony is actually the most romantic thing after all. Just know this: your relationship will require a steady supply of cashews.

Small talk is an art—one that, when wielded correctly, can turn brief, forgettable encounters into excruciating experiences people will remember forever. Whether you’re at a party, in a lift, or trapped in an Uber with a driver who just won’t take a hint, here’s a foolproof guide to ensuring your small talk is as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

1. Start With a Wildly Inappropriate Icebreaker

Most people ease into conversation with something light—weather, current events, a vague compliment. Boring. Instead, kick things off with something truly unsettling:

• “Ever wonder what your last words will be?”

• “Do you think your cat secretly hates you?”

• “I read somewhere that eating too much rhubarb can kill you. Anyway, what’s your name?”

Watch as their eyes widen in mild panic, and congratulations—you’ve already made an impact.

2. Make Every Compliment Slightly Creepy

If you must resort to a compliment, make sure it leaves the recipient with more questions than answers.

• Instead of “Nice jacket!”, say: “That jacket really suits you. I knew it would.”

• Instead of “You have great hair”, say: “Your hair reminds me of someone… but I can’t remember who. They disappeared under mysterious circumstances.”

3. Ask Deeply Personal Questions Immediately

Forget polite chit-chat; real connections happen fast. Cut through the nonsense and demand emotional vulnerability from the start, such as:

• “When was the last time you cried in public?”

• “Do you consider yourself a good person, or just someone who avoids getting caught?”

If they hesitate, maintain unblinking eye contact until they answer.

4. Answer Every Question in the Most Confusing Way Possible

If someone tries to steer the conversation back to normal, resist.

• Them: “So, what do you do for work?”

• You: “I mostly haunt places.”

• Them: “How’s your evening going?”

• You: “Better than most. Worse than some. Time is a flat circle.”

• Them: “Do you live around here?”

• You: “In a sense.”

Now they’ll have to decide if they want to dig deeper or run. Either way, you win.

5. Respond to Every Silence with an Overly Intense Statement

Nothing kills a conversation like an awkward pause. Which is why you should fill those pauses—with something that immediately makes everyone regret starting this interaction in the first place. Try:

• “I used to make plans. Then I realised everything we do is just a distraction from the inevitable.”

• “If you had to fight one person here, who would it be?”

6. Exit the Conversation on the Most Suspicious Note Possible

If your interlocutor somehow stays this long, it’s time for a grand finale. Leave the conversation with a vague yet haunting remark, ensuring they think about you long after you’re gone.

• “I should go. The police are probably looking for me.”

• “Well, enjoy your night. And remember: don’t answer the door if you hear knocking after midnight.”

Then simply walk away, leaving them with nothing but a deep sense of unease.

Final Thoughts

Making small talk is an essential life skill, but making memorable small talk is high art. By following this guide, you can ensure that strangers will not only regret speaking to you but possibly rethink their entire approach to social interaction.

And isn’t that what conversation is all about?

Ending a relationship is never easy, but it can be efficient. Why waste time on teary, emotional conversations when you can deliver a clear, data-driven exit strategy?

Step 1: Schedule a Formal Meeting

Casual breakups are for amateurs. Instead of vague texts or dramatic confrontations, send a well-crafted calendar invite, titled “Relationship Performance Review”.

Step 2: Prepare Your Breakup Presentation

Craft a concise, informative, and brutally honest PowerPoint deck. Keep it under five slides—nobody likes an overlong presentation.

Slide 1: Title Slide

• A simple, professional title like “Moving Forward: A Relationship Realignment Proposal”.

Slide 2: Relationship Performance Overview

Key highlights:

• Strengths: “We had a good run. Mutual love of pizza etc.”

• Weaknesses: “Severe communication breakdowns. You never laugh at my jokes.”

• Opportunities: “Escape from the daily misery of coming home to you, etc.”

• Threats: “If we continue, resentment will spike. Risk of accidental marriage.”

(Pro tip: Include a bar graph comparing happiness levels at the start vs. now. Let the data do the talking.)

Slide 3: The Decision Matrix

• A flowchart demonstrating why staying together is not a viable option.

• Key categories: emotional exhaustion, lifestyle incompatibility, general levels of suffering.

• Use an arrow leading inevitably to “Breakup Confirmed”.

Slide 4: The Exit Strategy

• Clearly outline the roadmap with milestones and next steps to ensure a smooth transition, such as a social media deletion strategy: “You untag first, then I do.”

Step 3: Deliver the Breakup with Confidence

Use corporate jargon to soften the blow:

• “I appreciate all the effort you’ve put into this project.”

• “Unfortunately, I must pivot towards personal growth at this time.”

• “It’s not you; it’s the evolving market conditions.”

Step 4: Handle the Q&A Session

After your presentation, open the floor for questions. Be prepared for the following:

• “Can we still be friends?”

• Suggested response: “We are open to renegotiating our terms after a cooling-off period.”

• “Is there someone else?”

• Suggested response: “Due to confidentiality clauses, I cannot confirm or deny third-party involvement.”

• “Do you even care?”

• Suggested response: “I value our shared history but must prioritise future investments.”

Step 5: Wrap It Up and Log Off

• Conclude with a firm handshake.

• Send a formal follow-up email:

Subject: “Relationship Dissolution Summary & Next Steps”

Dear [Name],

Thank you for your time today. As discussed, our relationship will be concluding, effective immediately. Please find attached our breakup agreement with key points outlined. Let me know if you require clarification on any items.

Best regards,

[Your Name]

Final Notes

Breaking up doesn’t have to be messy. With a professional approach, you can streamline the process and ensure both parties walk away with clear deliverables and actionable next steps.

A job interview is that magical experience where a stranger decides your entire fate based on how well you can pretend to be a functioning human for 30 minutes. If you, like me, suffer from chronic overthinking, you’ll know that preparing for a job interview isn’t just about research and confidence—it’s about meticulously crafting every possible scenario in your head, and ultimately sabotaging yourself by saying something deeply unhinged.

To help you navigate this minefield of anxiety, I’ve compiled some foolproof job interview tips, designed specifically for overthinkers.

1. When They Ask, “Tell Me About Yourself”, Try Not to Have an Identity Crisis

This is where normal people say something simple like, “I’m a marketing professional with five years of experience” and so on.

This is not what you will do.

Instead, you’ll briefly forget who you are, panic, and blurt out something alarming like, “Oh wow, where do I even start? Well, I was born on a Tuesday, I have a fear of deep water, and one time in primary school I cried because I thought the sun was following me.”

Alternative Strategy: Memorise a safe, boring script. If you feel the urge to overshare, don’t!

2. Maintain Eye Contact (But Not in a Psychotic Way)

Eye contact is important! But if you’re an overthinker, you will immediately start obsessing about it.

Too much eye contact? Intimidating.

Too little? Suspicious.

Accidentally stare at their forehead instead? Now you look cross-eyed.

Alternative Strategy: Use the “triangle method”—casually shift your gaze between their eyes and nose. If you forget how to blink, just fake a thoughtful nod to break the tension.

3. The “What’s Your Greatest Weakness?” Trap

A normal person would say something harmless like “I sometimes get too invested in my work.”

You, however, are about to overthink yourself into oblivion.

• First thought: Should I be honest?

• Second thought: If I say something too weak, will they think I’m a liar?

• Third thought: If I say something too real, will they call security?

• Fourth thought: Why do I have so many weaknesses? Am I a fundamentally flawed human?

And before you know it, you’ve said something horrifying like, “My biggest weakness is that I feel crippling guilt over what I did in the summer of 2009.”

Alternative Strategy: Pick a fake weakness. Something harmless. Something that makes you sound both flawed and employable. Try: “I sometimes over-organise things” or “I care too much about the Oxford comma.”

4. The Deadly Silence After a Question

They ask a question. You answer. Then… silence.

At this moment, your brain will catastrophise at lightspeed:

• Oh no. They hated my answer.

• Are they waiting for me to say more?

• Did I accidentally insult their entire family?

• Did I just ruin my entire future?

To fill the silence, you will start nervously rambling. You’ll tell them a completely unnecessary story. You’ll say, “Does that make sense?” for the twenty-seventh time. You’ll add an awkward laugh at the end, even if the topic wasn’t funny.

Alternative Strategy: When you finish your answer, STOP TALKING. Count to three in your head if needed. Interviewers sometimes pause—it doesn’t mean they’re judging your soul.

5. “Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?”—A Loaded Question

Normal people answer this with “I hope to advance my skills and grow within the company.”

Overthinkers? Oh no. We see this as a trap.

• What if I don’t know?

• What if in five years I’m dead? Should I factor that in?

By the time you’ve finished spiralling, you’ll blurt out something like, “In five years? Oh. Um. Ideally, I’d like to have a dog.”

Instead, say something about how all your ambitions will be fulfilled by devoting your precious life’s energy to working for their tedious company (but try not to mention the tedious part).

6. Handling an Unexpected Question Without Having a Meltdown

Some interviewers like to throw in an unexpected question just to see how you react, such as:

• “If you were an animal, what would you be?”

• “Describe yourself in three words.”

• “How many basketballs would fit in this room?”

Your overthinking brain will not process this like a fun challenge. It will immediately panic.

• Why basketballs?

• What if I pick the wrong animal? Am I now stuck with that as my spirit guide?

• What are three words that sum me up? “Chronically, Anxious, Overthinker.”

Before you know it, you’ve answered, “I’d be a squirrel because I have a lot of anxiety and like snacks”—and now you’ve ruined your credibility.

Alternative Strategy: Take a breath. Laugh a little. If needed, stall with “That’s a great question!” while your brain catches up.

7. Ending the Interview Without Ruining Everything

The interview is almost over. You’ve survived. Now comes the final hurdle: the goodbye.

If you’re an overthinker, this will not go smoothly.

You will accidentally say “You too” when they say, “Good luck.”

You will wave in a weird way.

You will stand up too quickly and knock over your chair.

You will walk to the wrong door and then have to turn around in shame.

Alternative Strategy: Move slowly. Think before you speak. If you mess up, just pretend, with confidence, that you meant to do it.

Final Thoughts

Breathe. Speak slowly. And for God’s sake, do not talk about squirrels.

Unless the interviewer loves squirrels. Then, by all means, lean into it.