Category: Stories

Small talk is an art—one that, when wielded correctly, can turn brief, forgettable encounters into excruciating experiences people will remember forever. Whether you’re at a party, in a lift, or trapped in an Uber with a driver who just won’t take a hint, here’s a foolproof guide to ensuring your small talk is as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

1. Start With a Wildly Inappropriate Icebreaker

Most people ease into conversation with something light—weather, current events, a vague compliment. Boring. Instead, kick things off with something truly unsettling:

• “Ever wonder what your last words will be?”

• “Do you think your cat secretly hates you?”

• “I read somewhere that eating too much rhubarb can kill you. Anyway, what’s your name?”

Watch as their eyes widen in mild panic, and congratulations—you’ve already made an impact.

2. Make Every Compliment Slightly Creepy

If you must resort to a compliment, make sure it leaves the recipient with more questions than answers.

• Instead of “Nice jacket!”, say: “That jacket really suits you. I knew it would.”

• Instead of “You have great hair”, say: “Your hair reminds me of someone… but I can’t remember who. They disappeared under mysterious circumstances.”

3. Ask Deeply Personal Questions Immediately

Forget polite chit-chat; real connections happen fast. Cut through the nonsense and demand emotional vulnerability from the start, such as:

• “When was the last time you cried in public?”

• “Do you consider yourself a good person, or just someone who avoids getting caught?”

If they hesitate, maintain unblinking eye contact until they answer.

4. Answer Every Question in the Most Confusing Way Possible

If someone tries to steer the conversation back to normal, resist.

• Them: “So, what do you do for work?”

• You: “I mostly haunt places.”

• Them: “How’s your evening going?”

• You: “Better than most. Worse than some. Time is a flat circle.”

• Them: “Do you live around here?”

• You: “In a sense.”

Now they’ll have to decide if they want to dig deeper or run. Either way, you win.

5. Respond to Every Silence with an Overly Intense Statement

Nothing kills a conversation like an awkward pause. Which is why you should fill those pauses—with something that immediately makes everyone regret starting this interaction in the first place. Try:

• “I used to make plans. Then I realised everything we do is just a distraction from the inevitable.”

• “If you had to fight one person here, who would it be?”

6. Exit the Conversation on the Most Suspicious Note Possible

If your interlocutor somehow stays this long, it’s time for a grand finale. Leave the conversation with a vague yet haunting remark, ensuring they think about you long after you’re gone.

• “I should go. The police are probably looking for me.”

• “Well, enjoy your night. And remember: don’t answer the door if you hear knocking after midnight.”

Then simply walk away, leaving them with nothing but a deep sense of unease.

Final Thoughts

Making small talk is an essential life skill, but making memorable small talk is high art. By following this guide, you can ensure that strangers will not only regret speaking to you but possibly rethink their entire approach to social interaction.

And isn’t that what conversation is all about?

Ending a relationship is never easy, but it can be efficient. Why waste time on teary, emotional conversations when you can deliver a clear, data-driven exit strategy?

Step 1: Schedule a Formal Meeting

Casual breakups are for amateurs. Instead of vague texts or dramatic confrontations, send a well-crafted calendar invite, titled “Relationship Performance Review”.

Step 2: Prepare Your Breakup Presentation

Craft a concise, informative, and brutally honest PowerPoint deck. Keep it under five slides—nobody likes an overlong presentation.

Slide 1: Title Slide

• A simple, professional title like “Moving Forward: A Relationship Realignment Proposal”.

Slide 2: Relationship Performance Overview

Key highlights:

• Strengths: “We had a good run. Mutual love of pizza etc.”

• Weaknesses: “Severe communication breakdowns. You never laugh at my jokes.”

• Opportunities: “Escape from the daily misery of coming home to you, etc.”

• Threats: “If we continue, resentment will spike. Risk of accidental marriage.”

(Pro tip: Include a bar graph comparing happiness levels at the start vs. now. Let the data do the talking.)

Slide 3: The Decision Matrix

• A flowchart demonstrating why staying together is not a viable option.

• Key categories: emotional exhaustion, lifestyle incompatibility, general levels of suffering.

• Use an arrow leading inevitably to “Breakup Confirmed”.

Slide 4: The Exit Strategy

• Clearly outline the roadmap with milestones and next steps to ensure a smooth transition, such as a social media deletion strategy: “You untag first, then I do.”

Step 3: Deliver the Breakup with Confidence

Use corporate jargon to soften the blow:

• “I appreciate all the effort you’ve put into this project.”

• “Unfortunately, I must pivot towards personal growth at this time.”

• “It’s not you; it’s the evolving market conditions.”

Step 4: Handle the Q&A Session

After your presentation, open the floor for questions. Be prepared for the following:

• “Can we still be friends?”

• Suggested response: “We are open to renegotiating our terms after a cooling-off period.”

• “Is there someone else?”

• Suggested response: “Due to confidentiality clauses, I cannot confirm or deny third-party involvement.”

• “Do you even care?”

• Suggested response: “I value our shared history but must prioritise future investments.”

Step 5: Wrap It Up and Log Off

• Conclude with a firm handshake.

• Send a formal follow-up email:

Subject: “Relationship Dissolution Summary & Next Steps”

Dear [Name],

Thank you for your time today. As discussed, our relationship will be concluding, effective immediately. Please find attached our breakup agreement with key points outlined. Let me know if you require clarification on any items.

Best regards,

[Your Name]

Final Notes

Breaking up doesn’t have to be messy. With a professional approach, you can streamline the process and ensure both parties walk away with clear deliverables and actionable next steps.

A job interview is that magical experience where a stranger decides your entire fate based on how well you can pretend to be a functioning human for 30 minutes. If you, like me, suffer from chronic overthinking, you’ll know that preparing for a job interview isn’t just about research and confidence—it’s about meticulously crafting every possible scenario in your head, and ultimately sabotaging yourself by saying something deeply unhinged.

To help you navigate this minefield of anxiety, I’ve compiled some foolproof job interview tips, designed specifically for overthinkers.

1. When They Ask, “Tell Me About Yourself”, Try Not to Have an Identity Crisis

This is where normal people say something simple like, “I’m a marketing professional with five years of experience” and so on.

This is not what you will do.

Instead, you’ll briefly forget who you are, panic, and blurt out something alarming like, “Oh wow, where do I even start? Well, I was born on a Tuesday, I have a fear of deep water, and one time in primary school I cried because I thought the sun was following me.”

Alternative Strategy: Memorise a safe, boring script. If you feel the urge to overshare, don’t!

2. Maintain Eye Contact (But Not in a Psychotic Way)

Eye contact is important! But if you’re an overthinker, you will immediately start obsessing about it.

Too much eye contact? Intimidating.

Too little? Suspicious.

Accidentally stare at their forehead instead? Now you look cross-eyed.

Alternative Strategy: Use the “triangle method”—casually shift your gaze between their eyes and nose. If you forget how to blink, just fake a thoughtful nod to break the tension.

3. The “What’s Your Greatest Weakness?” Trap

A normal person would say something harmless like “I sometimes get too invested in my work.”

You, however, are about to overthink yourself into oblivion.

• First thought: Should I be honest?

• Second thought: If I say something too weak, will they think I’m a liar?

• Third thought: If I say something too real, will they call security?

• Fourth thought: Why do I have so many weaknesses? Am I a fundamentally flawed human?

And before you know it, you’ve said something horrifying like, “My biggest weakness is that I feel crippling guilt over what I did in the summer of 2009.”

Alternative Strategy: Pick a fake weakness. Something harmless. Something that makes you sound both flawed and employable. Try: “I sometimes over-organise things” or “I care too much about the Oxford comma.”

4. The Deadly Silence After a Question

They ask a question. You answer. Then… silence.

At this moment, your brain will catastrophise at lightspeed:

• Oh no. They hated my answer.

• Are they waiting for me to say more?

• Did I accidentally insult their entire family?

• Did I just ruin my entire future?

To fill the silence, you will start nervously rambling. You’ll tell them a completely unnecessary story. You’ll say, “Does that make sense?” for the twenty-seventh time. You’ll add an awkward laugh at the end, even if the topic wasn’t funny.

Alternative Strategy: When you finish your answer, STOP TALKING. Count to three in your head if needed. Interviewers sometimes pause—it doesn’t mean they’re judging your soul.

5. “Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?”—A Loaded Question

Normal people answer this with “I hope to advance my skills and grow within the company.”

Overthinkers? Oh no. We see this as a trap.

• What if I don’t know?

• What if in five years I’m dead? Should I factor that in?

By the time you’ve finished spiralling, you’ll blurt out something like, “In five years? Oh. Um. Ideally, I’d like to have a dog.”

Instead, say something about how all your ambitions will be fulfilled by devoting your precious life’s energy to working for their tedious company (but try not to mention the tedious part).

6. Handling an Unexpected Question Without Having a Meltdown

Some interviewers like to throw in an unexpected question just to see how you react, such as:

• “If you were an animal, what would you be?”

• “Describe yourself in three words.”

• “How many basketballs would fit in this room?”

Your overthinking brain will not process this like a fun challenge. It will immediately panic.

• Why basketballs?

• What if I pick the wrong animal? Am I now stuck with that as my spirit guide?

• What are three words that sum me up? “Chronically, Anxious, Overthinker.”

Before you know it, you’ve answered, “I’d be a squirrel because I have a lot of anxiety and like snacks”—and now you’ve ruined your credibility.

Alternative Strategy: Take a breath. Laugh a little. If needed, stall with “That’s a great question!” while your brain catches up.

7. Ending the Interview Without Ruining Everything

The interview is almost over. You’ve survived. Now comes the final hurdle: the goodbye.

If you’re an overthinker, this will not go smoothly.

You will accidentally say “You too” when they say, “Good luck.”

You will wave in a weird way.

You will stand up too quickly and knock over your chair.

You will walk to the wrong door and then have to turn around in shame.

Alternative Strategy: Move slowly. Think before you speak. If you mess up, just pretend, with confidence, that you meant to do it.

Final Thoughts

Breathe. Speak slowly. And for God’s sake, do not talk about squirrels.

Unless the interviewer loves squirrels. Then, by all means, lean into it.

Once a noble invention designed to streamline our messages and save us from our own typos, autocorrect has instead become a rogue agent of chaos. It has an uncanny ability to derail apologies, sabotage romance, and transform heartfelt sentiments into deranged gibberish.

Take, for example, the perils of intellectual discourse. You’re making a profound point, aiming to impress with your knowledge of psychology, only for autocorrect to intervene:

“The theory of cognitive dissonance suggests that—”

Autocorrect: “The theory of corgi distance suggests that—”

Nothing dismantles an intellectual argument faster than an unexpected parade of small, faraway dogs.

But nowhere is autocorrect more diabolical than in the realm of romance. You’re crafting the perfect flirty message—light, witty, effortlessly charming. You type:

“Can’t wait to see you tonight, beautiful.”

Autocorrect: “Can’t wait to see you tonight, bathtub.”

Congratulations. You are now a psychopath. There is no recovering from this. Even worse:

• “Hey babe” → “Hey bank” (Are you in love, or in debt?)

• “Hey babe” → “Hey Baby Yoda” (Unclear, but certainly a vibe.)

• “Sending love” → “Sending lice”

• “Can’t wait to see you” → “Can’t wait to sue you”

Autocorrect’s appetite for destruction is especially brutal in moments of grief. A friend has suffered a terrible loss. You carefully compose a message of sympathy:

“I’m so sorry for your loss. Let me know if you need anything.”

Autocorrect: “I’m so sorry for your boss. Let me know if you need anything.”

Now, instead of offering comfort, you appear to be mourning the fate of corporate leadership.

Then there’s damage control. You’ve made a mistake. You need to apologise. You type:

• “Please forgive me.” → “Please forget me.” (Devastating.)

• “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” → “I didn’t meme to hurt you.” (Sure, blame it on the internet culture.)

And at its most malevolent, autocorrect strikes when you’re sending a spicy text. You write:

“Can’t wait to kiss you all over.”

Autocorrect: “Can’t wait to kiss you all ogre.”

Even worse:

• “I’m in bed waiting for you.” → “I’m in debt waiting for you.”

Autocorrect is proof that technology, for all its intelligence, has no sense of timing, tact, or emotional nuance.

Try talking instead, but without the Freudian slips this time.

In what experts are calling “a profound breakthrough in modern spirituality,” local man Darren Wilkes, 38, achieved full enlightenment yesterday upon discovering a £10 note in the pocket of his old winter coat.

Wilkes, a self-proclaimed seeker of meaning, had previously embarked on a decade-long journey of self-discovery through yoga retreats, meditation apps, and a suspiciously expensive online course titled Manifest Your Best Self Through Crystal Healing. However, nothing had quite opened his third eye like the unexpected appearance of legal tender.

“I was just patting the pockets, hoping for an old bus ticket to scribble on, and there it was,” said Wilkes, still visibly glowing. “I reached in, felt the crumpled paper, and in that moment, I saw the truth of existence. Everything just… made sense.”

Friends and family report that Wilkes has undergone a remarkable transformation. Once prone to existential moaning, he now spends his days sharing the gospel of “checking your pockets more often” and “living in the now, because you never know what’s been left in your jeans.”

Wilkes’s wife, Sandra, remains cautiously optimistic about his newfound enlightenment. “It’s nice that he’s stopped going on about his ‘inner void’,” she said. “But now he’s redecorated the living room with his favourite phrase, ‘Abundance is all around us—especially in unworn jackets’.”

Local spiritual leaders have expressed mixed reactions to Wilkes’s epiphany. The Reverend Michael Fadden of St John’s Church praised the simplicity of Wilkes’s discovery. “Sometimes, the divine works in mysterious ways,” he said. “Though, to be honest, I’d prefer that our congregation found God through prayer rather than rifling through old coats.”

However, not everyone is convinced. Dr Naomi Hughes, a psychologist specialising in sudden spiritual awakenings, warned that Wilkes’s experience might be more about dopamine than destiny. “Finding money unexpectedly triggers a surge of happiness,” she explained. “But calling it ‘nirvana’ is a bit of a stretch. Otherwise, cash machines would be considered holy sites.”

Despite the scepticism, Wilkes remains steadfast in his conviction. He has launched a YouTube channel, Pocket of Wisdom, where he shares life-changing insights such as “Always check behind the sofa cushions” and “Sometimes, happiness is just a crumpled fiver away.”

When asked what his next steps would be, Wilkes responded with a serene smile. “I’m going to the charity shop to try on all the coats. I believe the universe has more blessings to bestow.”

Gary Watkins, 52, has been reassured by his parents that his well-paid, stable career in finance is merely a temporary diversion from his true path in life—writing a novel about a sad man in a café.

Despite working as a senior investment strategist for 27 years, earning six figures, and owning a four-bedroom house, Gary’s mother, Janet, 76, remains confident that he will eventually “grow out of this financial services nonsense” and return to his real calling as a writer, a passion he last pursued in 1994 after reading Catcher in the Rye.

“We all go through these little detours,” said Janet, rifling through his childhood sketches for evidence that he once wanted to be an artist. “One minute you’re selling your soul to corporate greed, the next you’re scribbling away in a Parisian attic, truly feeling things.”

Gary, who currently has a wife, two children, and a mortgage, confirmed that his parents regularly remind him that he “used to have such an imagination” before “falling in with the wrong crowd” at HSBC.

“I keep telling him, all it takes is one spontaneous road trip to Tuscany,” said his father, Brian, 78, who once watched Eat, Pray, Love and now believes all life’s problems can be solved by dropping everything and moving abroad. “Gary could be writing brooding poetry about autumn leaves while sipping espresso by now if he hadn’t got so caught up in this whole ‘having financial stability’ charade.”

When asked for comment, Gary sighed deeply and revealed that he has, in fact, been secretly working on his novel for the past 15 years. “It’s about a disillusioned banker who quits his job to find meaning in the world,” he admitted. “So far, the protagonist has spent 200 pages sitting in a café thinking about quitting his job.”

Gary’s parents remain hopeful that, any day now, he’ll “come to his senses” and abandon his financial security for a life of artistic struggle. “It’s just a phase,” Janet insisted. “He’ll grow out of it.”

LONDON—After years of quiet resentment and just enough productivity to avoid being fired, local employee Dan Matthews has finally been promoted to a managerial role—an achievement that, according to colleagues, has transformed him overnight into a human LinkedIn post.

“It’s like he’s been possessed by LinkedIn,” said long-time coworker Emily Caster. “This morning, I asked him if he wanted a coffee, and he said, ‘Let’s touch base on that offline.’ He used to just say ‘yeah, cheers’.”

In his first act as manager, Matthews sent out a 2,000-word email titled “Reflections on Leadership, Learnings from the Trenches” in which he compared his recent career advancement to “climbing Everest” and “leading a Roman legion into battle”. The email, which began with an inspirational Steve Jobs quote and ended with a completely unnecessary hashtag, was later found to contain no useful information.

“I used to like Dan,” said team member Josh Patel. “But today, he said he’s ‘laser-focused on leveraging our core competencies to drive impact’. We work in an accounts payable department. What the hell does that mean?”

Meanwhile, his LinkedIn activity has skyrocketed. Where he once used the platform exclusively to ignore recruitment messages, he is now posting daily threads on “the importance of adaptability in an evolving business landscape”. One such post, which began with the phrase “Not your typical promotion story”, detailed his “incredible journey” from Junior Accounts Payable Assistant to Senior Accounts Payable Assistant in just eight short years. It included a staged photo of him thoughtfully staring out of a window, an unrelated anecdote about a childhood struggle, and the sentence, “If this inspires just one person, it’s worth it.”

“Honestly, I can’t look at LinkedIn anymore,” said Patel. “Yesterday he posted a stock image of two people shaking hands with the caption, “Partnerships are the fuel of progress”. Who is he partnering with? The photocopier?”

Coworkers have also noticed a shift in Matthews’s physical behaviour. Formerly known for his relaxed, borderline apathetic attitude, he now enters every meeting room with the urgency of a man delivering a TED Talk.

“The other day he stood up during a Zoom call and started pacing back and forth like he was unveiling a new iPhone,” said Emily Caster. “At one point, he paused, stared at the camera, and said, ‘We’re not just pushing numbers, guys. We’re telling a story.’ He then spent five minutes explaining what storytelling means, to a room full of accountants.”

Despite mounting concern, office insiders predict that Matthews will continue down this path, with upcoming behavioural milestones including:

• Ending every email with “Let’s disrupt this space together!”

• Taking a one-day management seminar and updating his bio to “Passionate about leadership and mentoring”.

• Posting a “humble brag” about his promotion while thanking “everyone who believed in him”.

At press time, Matthews was seen in the break room, staring wistfully into the distance while muttering, “strategy happens outside the alignment zone,” as his coffee went cold.