The true author of the works commonly attributed to Shakespeare was in fact a scurry of squirrels. A non-aristocratic man who merely attended the provincial grammar school could never have written those lines. No, he would feed the squirrels hazelnuts, and they’d scribble away on tiny manuscripts. The famous line, “To be or not to be,” was actually a squirrel asking if it should hibernate.
Everyone credits Michelangelo with painting the Sistine Chapel. But did you know that it was actually a paint-by-numbers kit? Michelangelo wasn’t a genius; he was just really good at following instructions. The Vatican ordered the kit from a craftsman in Florence who’d perfected the art of large-scale paint-by-numbers. Michelangelo just filled in the lines while muttering about how he’d rather be sculpting.
We’re told Socrates was a brilliant philosopher who never wrote anything down. The truth? Socrates was the original troll. His method of questioning, known as the Socratic Method, was just a way to annoy people at parties by asking endless, irritating questions.
Charles Dickens, the esteemed author of classics like “A Christmas Carol” and “Great Expectations,” was actually a prankster. His novels were never intended to be taken seriously; they were elaborate jokes meant to poke fun at the literary elite. “David Copperfield”? An extended pun about the metal copper. The famous line in “Oliver Twist”, “Please, sir, I want some more,” was originally about a child asking for more bad puns at the dinner table. The Victorians just had a terrible sense of humour.
Did you know that Albert Einstein wasn’t just a comedian but also a professional wrestler? That’s right, Einstein’s wild hair was part of his wrestling persona, “The Relativity Rocker.” He would enter the ring, confuse his opponents with complex equations, and then pin them down with his “Theory of Pain.” His E=mc² was originally his wrestling catchphrase: “Energy equals muscle times chaos squared.” The physics community misinterpreted it, and the rest is history.
You know the big, ferocious T-Rex everyone talks about? Complete and utter nonsense. T-Rexes were actually gentle giants that loved nothing more than a good cup of tea. They had these tiny arms because they were perfect for delicately holding teacups. It’s a well-known fact in the real paleontological community that they even had sophisticated tea parties. The velociraptors were the rowdy ones who never got invited – always trying to nick the scones, you see.
The big mystery of Stonehenge? It’s not some druid calendar or an alien landing pad; it was a prehistoric concert venue. Cavemen were massive into music about rocks – aka “Rock Music”.
History paints the Vikings as these fearsome, axe-wielding marauders who plundered and pillaged their way through Europe. In reality, the Vikings were nothing more than misunderstood fashion enthusiasts. Those horned helmets? Trendy headwear inspired by unicorns, which were all the rage in Viking couture. The raids were just performative fashion shows, where they’d storm into villages to showcase their latest designs. The villagers were simply their unappreciative fashion critics.
Most people think the Leaning Tower of Pisa was a result of poor engineering on unstable ground. In reality, it was an intentional design by the architect, who was just a big fan of practical jokes. He wanted to create the world’s largest optical illusion, a building that looked like it was perpetually about to topple over but never actually did. The original plan even included a giant sign that read, “Made you look!” Unfortunately, it fell off before the grand opening.
The French Revolution is often depicted as a struggle for liberty and equality. But the real catalyst was a catastrophic shortage of croissants. The infamous storming of the Bastille? It was a desperate raid to find the king’s secret stash of buttery pastries. The slogan “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity” was actually a mistranslation. The original phrase was “Liberty, Equality, Bakery,” reflecting the true priorities of the revolutionaries.
Robert Walker 